I just needed a place to talk, someone hears me, no one hears me, it is ok. As long as I think someone hears me will do. Played computer game excessively again yesterday. Simple game, just do not have the will power to stop even though it is not difficult. I guess there are fears. I am afraid that I am so bad a person that I just want to avoid. I am genuinely afraid of myself even people tried to convince me it is not so. I dare not say anymore as I felt as if I am asking for assurance. I just wanted people to tell me constantly that I am ok, good person. Instead of trusting and behaving normally. I constantly need assurance and cannot take criticism. People have to walk on egg shells around me and I hated myself for that. I felt that I am a real burden but I could not control myself for thinking that I have done bad and harm others.
I know I have to learn to trust, allow others space to tolerate me. Generally I still find people kind, they try to be nice, but I believe that one day their patience will run out yet… I am testing their limits and patience. I dislike myself as I felt that I am attention seeking..
I felt that I am a great pretense, I am try to look as if I am ok because I am afraid that they cannot cope with me, I do not know when I will break down, then I have to clean up again. But I think it is ok. I am thinking I want to learn to talk instead of using computer games to escape. Thanks for giving me this space to talk..
I hear ya! Sounds to me that other Peoples reassurance will do the trick. You have to assure yourself! Learn to love yourself. Trust me, I know how hard that is. Accept yourself. Being a good person doesn’t mean being perfect and issues free. Have you always behaved this way and felt upset about it? I have no idea if you have any other problems, issues, diagnosis….good you found this way to let it all out.
Thanks for the interest and concern. Yes, the deeper issue is: I believed that I am a burden on this earth and I feared that I have no permission to be on this surface of the earth. When others do not accept me, I felt that I am obliged to remove myself but yet a large part of me wanted to live and enjoyed life. I am reluctant to remove myself yet I felt it is wrong, I have no right to make things difficult for others. What makes my life more valuable than others, what gives me permission to make others miserable? I do not have the right, so if others rejected me due to something I did or didn’t, I am forced to confront this issue again or I have to escape. Pretend that I did not know, did not see, pretend that it is not there. But avoidance takes huge energy… and makes my life more miserable. And the endless cycle starts.
What I felt helped recently is to trust that others are kinder and stronger than I imagined. They don’t take it to heart my mistakes or hurt. They can cope. If they can cope, then I have permission to live. Anyway it doesn’t matter too much to them, then maybe allow me the permission to live if it is not too high a cost? That is what I think. 🙂
Thanks for sharing. I think other people can relate even if you feel alone in this. I find myself being consumed if I am a burden to others although I try myself to be compassionate and helpful and giving of others I feel very little of that in return and try to displace myself instead of being worthy of the same acceptance. And now I realize my compassion and kindness has been seen as weakness by others . I pray you find the comfort you are in need of.
Actually when I read some of the post, I realized that some feeling of mine, even though I thought that I am odd, have people who shared the same feeling and it is reassuring..