Yesterday sucked. Nothing really happened I just felt like crap. I wasn't so much depressed as much as just empty. It was like I wanted to feel something, anything, but couldn't. And I kind of have to wonder what's wrong with me. I have virtually no compassion or sympathy for real people but I do when I'm reading something or watching a movie. That and I don't feel empathy. At all. I'm quite sure years of repressing my feelings hasn't done much good but I can't remember ever feeling that. Even though it may seem that I'm being nice to someone to make them feel better I'm not, I just want whatever is making me uncomfortable to go away. Sometimes the easiest way to do that is fake emotions. I learned that years ago. Just as I learned sometimes it's better to agree than have my own opinion. As a child I did it to avoid getting yelled at and being frustrated. I've never handled being frustrated well. I've never had a way to express it. Even now I find myself just agreeing at times. I don't get frustrated as much but thats just because I've decided to ignore most things that would get to me. No one ever taught me how to deal with those such feelings and emotions so I don't. My aunt is convinced one day I'm going to snap but I doubt it. I think it's much more likely something in my head is going to burst. That takes me to my impending court date. It's on the 17th and I'm already freaking. At this point I'm pretty much convinced they're not going to approve me and I have no idea what I'm going to do then. I can't work, my brain feels like it starts hyperventilating at the thought of having to try getting a job. At the same time I can't keep going like this. I'm falling apart. Physically and mentally. Who would guess I could go years having insurance and not really needing it to not having it and having all sorts of problems. I have all sorts of plans for if they do accept me. I don't know what to do if they don't. I'm not sure I can handle going through everything again. It took a year and a half just to get to this point. I'm starting to doubt any of this is even worth it.

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