So, I don’t know if this is a particularly unhealthy, or common mindset, but when I look at people, my default about them isn’t that they are basically good. Call me a pessismist if you want, but my default about people in general is that they are trash, and then there are specific people in that pile who are good.

If you want to know why that is, look no further than my formative years. I said in my previous blog that my past, particularly my earlier past, forms a significant part of me even today. I was treated like trash, and people would tell me bullshit, either to my face or audibly behind my back, designed to bring me down. This also happened during parts of high school.

The major problem about this was that no matter how strongly I rejected or resisted certain messages, they would always eventually sink down into my brain anyway, turning my brain into a self-hating trash heap made of voices that aren’t mine constantly putting me down.

This is one reason why I fear social interaction: I’m afraid that if I get another negative reaction, that’ll just make another voice in the trash heap that is my brain. For this reason, I think I’ve always been pretty angry at the world. As a kid, I only felt resentment. But as the shit slowly piled up, it built into rage and hate.

I’m still very angry ― my default word to describe people is bitches ― but I’m not as hateful as I once was. So that means there’s hope. I’m sure it’s not healthy to think of people this way, but I know the reason for it is that I’ve had more negative than positive experiences with people. Maybe one day I can tilt the scales the other way. But the only way I can do that is having the nerve to face my fears.

I guess we’ll see if I do. For now, I just have to keep trying.