I'm new to the site, not in any rehab or detox or group. I'm some what of a privet person in the real world the face to face. Always afraid of judgment I suppose. I got 3 kids and I'm Bi-polar. I tend to get rather crazy unless heavily medicated. but before I learned what was wrong I tried self medicating to deal with my violent and phycotic lifestyle. I drank, way too much, and I got high way too often. It was so easy too because my family is full of pot heads so drugs came easy. I just asked my dad and I got what I needed. Or I'd use in the car with my ex husbands best friend. Or get messed up well at work. I'd use pot, crack, it didn't mater really if I could smoke it or eat it I'd take it. mix it with a 40 of vodka and enjoy myself. My life ended up with me raped and homless and my kids taken away. my marriage down the drain and me fighting to get my kids back. That was 2005. I spent a few weeks in and out of groups in the hospital OP but not really helpful. I did my best and got a good doctor and treated my Bi-polar with new stron meds and I struggled and stopped drinking, stopped using. I have a new man in my life who knows I use to use but he thinks it was just the odd joint. I don't dare tell him the truth. I promised never to use again. but things are so stressful now all I can think about for the last 2 monthsis getting high and I'm losing my bloody mind. I could get it so flipping easy and he'd never even know. God I want to but I worked so hard to get to this point. Some times I feel like i never stopped using but like by medicating myself with scrips i just traded one drug for another. I got some bottles here of some serrious stuff, stuff i know they pass around clubs for a high and I've thought often about double doasing. taking a few extra to get a buzz.. I work so hard to keep myself on the streight and narrow. to stay clean for my man and my kids but lately its so hard