It’s possible that every single day isn’t horrible, for now.  i’ve been trying to refocus on other things, lately, and keep myself a bit more occupied? or more like trying a different avenue, of sorts, being a sponsee, instead of a trying to control my own ‘way’ of things.  i know it’s gonna be truly different, all around, since i know i need something like this, if i’m ever gonna REALLY get better, inside and out.  Sure, i have intrusive thoughts about someone trying to change my way of thinking or believing, but i really don’t think that’s the case, other than to improve coping skills and the way i generally deal with things, as a whole.  i’m tired of “losing my shit,” so to say, over every fraction of an issue.  i dunno what really caused me to be this way, nor does it really matter, in the grand scheme of things, but reflecting back, i generally get through huge ordeals fairly unscathed, until the aftermath and my thoughts/emotions take over.  i dunno…maybe it’s not that uncommon, after all.  This last week, i can say i’ve noticed a bit more positivity leaking out of me.  i suppose that’s a good thing, in itself.  i feel like so much has weighed me down and drug me out, i finally had to do something–more one-on-one–other than “therapy.”  i mean, therapy’s good for getting things out and trying to understand what happened and how to change myself, so i can survive a little easier, maybe.  But, since i can’t afford therapy every single day, perhaps it’s good that i have ventured into this other realm.  i still need to learn to speak up for myself–my needs, my desires, my goals, etc.–and not simply take care of other people.  i have to believe that i matter, too.  (Nope, not there, yet, but as usual, a work in progress….)                                    We went for another ‘short’ walk, this morning, and i believe the kid that Marty almost got into an altercation with last week, passed by us this morning.  i made it a point to raise my voice to tell him,”Good morning,” as he passed, but of course, no reply, as i was with Marty, and the kid had earphones on.  —ehhh–no biggee, to me.  But, Marty got a lil anal with me, about it–“why did you do that, when that’s probably the same one that i got into it with, last week?”  ummm…everybody deserves a decent day, and he wasn’t acting hateful or vengeful, this morning, so….  –it is what it is–  i won’t apologize for doing that, either.  i was not setting out to offend Marty.  Nor was i trying to rub anything in his face.  i was simply being me….  (*shrug)                                                                                                         It’s another beautiful day–a few degrees warmer, but still comfortable, so far.  It’s the simple things in life….  *sigh 


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