I\’m not terribly nice to myself.

How harshly I criticize myself, how negatively I view myself really affects me. 90% of the time I\’m alright, but I\’m afraid it\’s only when I\’m keeping myself distracted. I don\’t like myself, I\’m not happy with myself yet it\’s ridiculous how lonely I am. I can\’t subject another person to what a disappointment I\’ll be so I keep myself isolated, and now on Day 70 it\’s really gnawing at me. There\’s no trigger like it because there\’s no escape from my own unrelenting, overwhelming, unwaveringly bitter self-doubt. Aside from the accomplishment of attaining sobriety, I think I\’m a shitty unredeemable loser, as a father, as a friend, a brother, an employee. I would like nothing more than to blow my fucking head off but I\’m tethered by obligation. Everything that would make me happy is probably permanently out of reach so I\’m basically finding the best way to distract myself as much as possible, watch this, play that, spend hours combing through potential matches on dating sites only to start a conversation I\’ll most definitely abandon if the other party doesn\’t first. Yesterday I said goodbye to the cycle and deleted my profiles from the many online dating sites I was on. OkCupid, Plenty Of Fish, Fetlife, etc. There\’s no point. No one wants a broken man. I wish I could escape this goddamned negative voice just for a night, a few hours; I need that fix.

 

I’m not terribly nice to myself.

How harshly I criticize myself, how negatively I view myself really affects me. 90% of the time I’m alright, but I’m afraid it’s only when I’m keeping myself distracted. I don’t like myself, I’m not happy with myself yet it’s ridiculous how lonely I am. I can’t subject another person to what a disappointment I’ll be so I keep myself isolated, and now on Day 70 it’s really gnawing at me. There’s no trigger like it because there’s no escape from my own unrelenting, overwhelming, unwaveringly bitter self-doubt. Aside from the accomplishment of attaining sobriety, I think I’m a shitty unredeemable loser, as a father, as a friend, a brother, an employee. I would like nothing more than to blow my fucking head off but I’m tethered by obligation. Everything that would make me happy is probably permanently out of reach so I’m basically finding the best way to distract myself as much as possible, watch this, play that, spend hours combing through potential matches on dating sites only to start a conversation I’ll most definitely abandon if the other party doesn’t first. Yesterday I said goodbye to the cycle and deleted my profiles from the many online dating sites I was on. OkCupid, Plenty Of Fish, Fetlife, etc. There’s no point. No one wants a broken man. I wish I could escape this goddamned negative voice just for a night, a few hours; I need that fix.

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