My name is Kathryn. I have OCD and am so glad to have found this site.
I suffered through my OCD in silence for many years. I had violent thoughts about hurting the people/creatures that I love. I had thoughts about them being hurt, both physically and emotionally.
I was afraid to tell anyone about these thoughts. I thought they would think of me as a lunatic. I finally opened up to my mom about them. She listened and was very supportive. This was when I was a junior in high school.
I started driving when I was a senior in high school. Along with starting to drive came my fear that I hit someone. I'd turn the car around to make sure I didn't hit anyone several times.
This fear has stayed with me since then. The most recent example occurred in January, and I still think about it so often that it feels like I'm in prison and I'm both the prisoner and prison guard. One Tuesday night, I wanted to find a Starbucks after my winter-session math class ended for the evening, so I decided to eave school. I got lost-very lost. In fact, I think I went in the total opposite direction of the Starbucks I wanted to find. During that time, I turned my car around to make sure I didn't hit anyone several times. I got home safely that night and found my way back.
I didn't think about it again until I read the weekend paper obituaries. I read the obituary of a guy who died on the same day I tried to find this Starbucks and he died in the same area I was in on that night. He died in the area where I realized I was lost and turned around to go home. I worried (and still worry) that I hit the guy with my car, but there was no damage to my car, and I have checked out the news channels to see if the authorities were looking for anyone involved in a hit-and-run in that area. They weren't (and aren't). Again, there was no damage to my car, I checked all of my local news stations' websites, and I remember playing my radio loudly, but I think I'd know if I hit someone. I think the news stations would be talking about it if it happened.
I just think about this all the time and it's like I'm in my own prison. I'm just so relieved to have found a place where I can write about this and people understand. I'm tired of being the prisoner and prison guard. Just writing about it makes me feel so much better. Thanks for reading, and I can't wait to get to know you!