Am I making people mad when I write blogs? I guess there's a big controversy about not talking about OCD when blogging. I didn't know there was like, unwrtten rules or something but whatever. I hope that I don't make most people mad. I just feel like I think differently than others, so If I write about something that happened to me and I'm worrying too much about, people here might understand me. I don't know. But I'll definantly write about OCD today because I AM actually trying to get help, and that's what I'm going though right now.

So I sort of talked about my psychologist visit last blog, but not a lot. I don't know what I want out of talking to him, but someone told me that I don't necessarily need to know. I like want to talk to him because he knows a lot about it. Then again, I don't because I'm scared. I don't know why I'm scared, I think it's a combination of me not knowing him, a fear of him not believing me, or a fear of opening up to him before finding out he's like fake or something. I get a weird vibe from him. I don't know why though because he's a really nice guy, and he wants to help me, and he listens to me. Maybe I'm just not used to talking to people I don't know. Maybe I feel like I'm wasting his time.

I always worry about whether or not I actually have OCD. Like, I know I do, but I still worry about it. What if I actually didn't? Then what really is wrong with me? Why am I so different than everyone else? Is my OCD severe enough to get help or am I wasting everyone's time? Do people with OCD actually have it 1000 times worse than me and I'm just faking? Why would I have compulsions if I didn't have OCD? Are my worries about everything I do obsessions? Do I actually have more obsessions and compulsions that I don't know about because I think everyone acts this way?

I plan everything I can out to the tinyiest detail. I plan conversations with people in my head. I wonder what people are thinking, because I know that I'm thinking a thousand thoughts a minute. I hate when I'm completely alone because I can't get out of my head. I have to be on the phone, reading, or listening to music. When I was younger, all I would ask my mom was, "What If?" I think I've almost thought about everything there is to think about.

I think about all of these things daily but I don't consider them obsessions, because it's not about one thing, it's everything. What is it really? Why do I do this?

Today I'm home alone; no school. I hope I'm not in my head too much.

-Toni

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