Depression and self hatred have clawed their way back in to my heart. I felt self hatred alot over the years, i know the story i know how hatred ticks. But this is not expected. I've gotten to the point where i can't bare the skin that i'm in so much that once again the thoughts of suicide have come into mind. I feel like such an awful person and i really hate msyelf so much. I think i've gone beyond depression now. I'm not a nice person and i never really have been. I feel like such a failure, and that anything i do succeed with i do NOT deserve. I know this, and plenty others know this too.

I never meant to hurt anyone, i never intentially mean to cause people the pain i cause. Yet i always seem to. I write about what i feel in my heart at the time, my feelings may not always be correct and my heart may be beating a slight wrong rythm to my ears, but when i write what i write i write it from my heart and how it feels, beats at the time. Maybe i'm wrong to be angry, maybe i've got so many situations that have happened wrong in my head and i've muddled things up and ended up writing something that is only a ficitional story. However my brain seems to see things the way it does, and i've tried to change it. I swear down i never ever, ever meant to hurt anyone. If i commited suicide i'd be sorry beyond the grave, but if i stay alive i'm sorry for everything i do and say. I'm sorry for the way i feel. And i'm sorry that the way i feel hurts other people.

I have a sense of humor but it just covers the truth. If i was as religious as my grandad i'd say that the devil is in my soul.

Someone stop me from being this vile creature? I'm begging you, someone, god, anyone, anything.

I could say sorry a million times but sorry doesn't cut it and never will.

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    You keep on blogginhg you pain anger and distress.  The one thing you do need to do is get that stuff our rather than inhaling it all to your detriment.  People on this site should know that people that blog are reaching out, because they are in pain, ore desperate or just plain overwhelmed.  I for one do not  censure your words and hope you are dispensing your pain, distress and confusionthat come from the place your are in.  By all means, keep on blogging. May you find peace. 

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