I started reading a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy written by a psychotherapist last night. It started as a way for me to be more assertive, but in the process of reading this book I’ve realized I’m far more damaged than I even let myself realize. I was shaped by years of bullying by the people who were supposed to be my peers, and being disregarded by the adults who should have helped protect me from it. This has led to me feeling that I am just not worth it, not worth the attention or help that they should have offered; and not worth the friendship of my peers. This feeling of inadequacy has continued on into adulthood and my relationships with people. I don’t feel that anyone will want to get close to me, unless I have something to offer them. As such, I often do whatever I can to be the person they need, or that I think they want me to be. Doing this for so long, I have lost sight of what I want and who I actually am. For far too long my definition of self has been what I had to offer others, or how I could make their lives easier or more pleasant.

As a result of living at other’s leisure, I end up being walked on, used, and eventually dropped when I have outlasted my usefulness. I need to end this cycle of behavior, and I need to find the things about me that people will actually value; not just the things I can offer them in exchange for their attention. The book mentions a tendency to forge relationships with people who are broken or damaged in some way, that way they need me or at least that’s how I see it. It’s not new knowledge, just a new way of looking at it. I have recently reconnected with a classmate from high school who has since gotten involved with heroin, pills, and other problems. I have tried my best to help her, in the hopes that she would develop feelings for me as a sweet guy that is trying to help her. As she has continued her addictions, and only seemed to call me or text when she needs something, I got more and more frustrated. All the same, I kept making myself available to her, and at the same time telling myself that I must really be a loser if I’m not even good enough for an addict ex-con.

It isn’t the “damsel in distress” that I actually want; it’s a woman who wants me in their life. But how can I prove to any woman that they want me in their lives if I don’t even know what I have to offer. So many of the things I have always felt were my best features were masks I put on to keep my place in someone’s life. The masks covered my personality flaws, but also hid my emotions. I never wanted to bring my own emotional instability into my relationships for fear that people wouldn’t want to deal with that “drama”. Now I know that if they didn’t want to deal with my emotions, it is because they don’t want to deal with me at all. I am my emotions, my flaws, and my needs. I need to learn to accept that, and then I can start really looking for someone who can also accept that and me for who and what I am. I know it won’t be an easy journey, and will likely be a long and lonely road, but I am taking the first steps down it.