My therapist is working on a few things with me right now, she's kinda given up on the whole ex thing, just because I need to grieve, there's no getting around it. Moreso we're working on self-compassion and trying to deal with the guilt and shame that I feel about myself. I am way harder on myself than I should be apparently, i mean for me I feel like I'm just the right amount but what is the point in the guilt if it isn't preventing some behavior?
I'm sad, I'm alone but I'm fighting, fighting so damn hard. I don't want to be that guy anymore because she's so far moved on nothing I do matters anymore. It just is what it is. I got left, I got burned, I got my love taken from me and now I'm all on my own. And the only thing I can do is change because my whole life is ahead of me one way or another and stuff is gonna change if I like it or not. Better get on the wagon and embrace it before it all falls back to me.
I feel bad for what happened with her and how I hurt her but she hurt me too and I can't just say "it's all my fault" because it's not healthy. If anything I know til the end I wanted ti to still work. I have no shame for that, because I did want it to work and I would've done anything. But it didn't.
I can't be ashamed to be who I am, even if the girl I love is ashamed of me, that's her opinion and I'll figure out somehow people who will accept me. There are parts of me I want to change but not all of me I have to be myself. I'm a geek, I like starcraft, I like DJing, I am damn funny I can talk for hours, I know damn well I've made girls laugh, I know I'm a good caring person when i'm not wrapped up in sex. I'm not looking to meet someone, just find a way to be happy with myself.