I am happy to report that I wont be sad for Valentine's day this year. I realized that several people I know are already sad. Last year I was in the same boat. But I have said my goodbyes although I had to do it in my head, which fits because the relationships were imaginary, and I have no one to haunt me and ruin my day this year. I have spent the last 3 years watching the wedding singer. One year I even made homemade tortillas and my signature green chili and lit candles and left an empty plate setting, dressed up. Law of attraction sort of thing. Most years I spent that day sober because I guess I was always trying to self-improve to find a mate, and it generally led to a hard relapse days later.

This year I will reach out to a few people that I know the world has forgot or who are newly single. Something I've tried to do in the past when I remember.

And I truly and sincerely hope 100% that I am completely forgotten that day. And once I've said what I need to to others that I just forget about the holiday entirely. And for the first time it wont be akward because I don't return affections or painful because I'm alone and no one returns affections for me.

Perhaps the worst Valentine's day was when I was pregnant.

I'm just tired of losing that day to a figment of Hallmark's imagination and a saint who's probably been desainted for his mainstream popularity, who I believe was a martyr in the first place, so romantic.

There are good things about depression. I enjoy it when I get to a place where I stop to feel anything except emptiness. And, where diet and exercise has pretty well failed me the last couple years to knock of the last 20 lbs, depression never lets me down when it comes to weight loss. The same way I feel empty like I'm shrinking on the inside, I'm quite literally shrinking on the outside because I've lost my apetite for most things, food included.

This is good though, I can work with this. I was too excited about things, too hopeful. I had too much of a hunger for life and too many passions and I enjoyed everything too much. That's why I packed on weight, and obviously, addicted to anything I touch that felt remotely good.

I could use a very long term fast, from everything.