I really want to just go back to sleep right now, but I'm trying to make myself stay awake. It was a long night for me ~ I ended up falling asleep in my son's bed (he was sleeping in Grandma's bed) and that's where I stayed until my husband woke me this morning. I feel bad about doing it, I just have phases where I don't want to sleep with anyone. Then I can toss and turn and talk in my sleep without bothering anyone else.

Things are still rough here regarding my Uncle. The things that are coming out of some peoples' mouths should never have and now there are serious problems between everyone. My aunt is an addicted to Delauded (I think that's how it's spelled), which is only a step down from Morphine. She's on so much pain medication that she's never "sober", plus she's on Klonopin and a million other pills. My Uncle was awake for the last 3 days and she only went up to see him yesterday. He's asking my Mom if my aunt has a boyfriend, and he got so pissed at her that he refused to even look at her or speak to her. He told her not to call him or visit. Of course this really upset my Aunt, but the truth of it is that she's very selfish. She wants to be able to stay home, smoke as many cigarettes as she can, and take her "medications", and sleep throughout the day. I have the feeling that the Delauded is coming from a so-called Pain Management Clinic…you know the ones that give out really strong pain medications when there's really no reason to? There is NO need for her to be using that level of pain pills. When asked what she needed it for she gave out as many excuses as she could. None of them added up. I have a feeling we're going to have to do a family intervention with her here soon. But first we've got to get my Uncle in better shape and settled.

So it hasn't been a good week for me (no surprise there) because tensions are so high. My aunt calls at all hours of the day and night, at least 5 times a day. And again, I'm trying to stay out of this. But I'm stuck answering the calls and getting my butt chewed out because of something someone else did or said. I'm just going to stop answering it ~ if it's important stuff about my Uncle she can leave it on the answering machine.

As for myself, today and yesterday my depression feels deeper. I had a talk with my husband about it, and he's right… I need to find something to do that I enjoy while I'm home. He asked me to go up to the arts & crafts store and to find something that sparks my interest and that I think I would enjoy. It's really sweet of him and it means a lot that he cares and thinks about answers to help me win my battle with depression. I can't imagine having to do this alone ~ my heart goes out to everyone who's suffering mental illness and doesn't have an understanding significant other. But that's what's so great about Dtribe ~all you have to do is write someone or chat and then you have an outlet where you get feedback from other people who have experienced what you've experienced.🙂

I skipped my therapy appointment last night. I just didn't have it in me to go and talk about everything that's going on around me and within me. The bad thoughts are back, and they're persistent this time. I'm doing better than I thought I'd be with no one being home, but the hardest part is not to listen to the peanut gallery in my head. I feel like yelling, "Shut up peanut gallery! I don't need this junk too!".

I'm still having some anxiety problems, but part of that was being taken off one of my medications. Due to certain side effects I had to come off of it. I was told that if the problem didn't stop in about a week's time I needed to go to the ER. Fun. The problems are already starting to go away ~ I don't have dry mouth like I did and the other issue is resolving itself too. The problem lies in the fact that since I'm no longer taking Cogentin I'm afraid the severe restlessness and anxiety will come back. That's why I was put on it in the first place. Now we're going to have to possibly find a new medication. (Sigh) I'm so dang tired of switching meds and changing things around so often. I know that it's all part of being bipolar but I wish it wasn't.

I'm exhausted so I'm going to go. Maybe I'll feel better after a nap.

((HUGS)) to everyone.


  1. ancientgeekcrone 10 years ago

    Dear Keya,

    I think you are coping remarkably well  with the situation in which you find yourself. Detoxing your Aunt maybe quite a fight, since she she has learned all the "right" things to say to get the pain medications in the first place. You Aunt isn't  selfish. She's an addict. Addicted to prescription drugs. Hugs Mary XX

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  2. Andie372 10 years ago

    Your aunt sounds like the one inthe family that everyone tries to avoid. I would definitely stop taking her calls, you don't need that kind of stress and aggravation. Focus should be on your uncle, like you say.

    Regarding med changes, it's common for me. I've been through many changes, however Im on a good mix right now. I hope your depression lifts soon.

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