I feel silly about it but I think listening to hypnotherapy recordings are the best thing I've done to get sober.

Last year at this time I was at a point where I was really struggling to quit. Seemed like I'd be able to for a bit but the habits were so engrained.

I think a lot of things just become habit. I had dinner at a sports bar tonight, didn't realize it was such drink centric place. But everywhere in my hometown is. Felt the normal processes of wanting to order a beer.

But really just don't want one, don't care anymore. Watching the people who are there to have fun just gradually get slower and more sedated and not looking happy. Going out in the cold again and again to smoke. Just a way of life here and I'm glad I'm not part of it anymore.

I think being miserable is just a habit. Depression is like a safety blanket. Past trauma has left some residual anxiety that I react defensively to without even realizing it. It's hard to let these patterns go because I don't know who I am without it.

And I'm thankful for the solitude and all the pain, because it changed me to being driven. Low self worth has been like an unyielding master all these years telling me that whatever I do it's not enough. Self criticism shining a spotlight on all of my mistakes.

I'm my own worst enemy. And being this way has allowed me to respond to people in a very unique way. I'm glad I'm that way, I'm glad I've been driven to gain everyone's approval, get them to like me, no love me, and fix their problems. Because, unlike my problems, I'm successful at helping someone else.

Like Alice in Wonderland, I give myself some very good advice but I very seldom follow it.

Hypnotherapy may be able to slightly influence automatic patterns that are so deeply engrained. I think the one so far that has had the most impact is the letting go of the past.

It's hard to change old patterns. The emotions just come out of force of habit. New experiences are linked with old memories, and I just expect a kick to the ribs while I'm down.

I'm so taken by external events.

I've been listening to the recordings so I can hear someone else's voice in my ears instead of my own. That's one nice thing. Been leaving them on while I sleep, putting them on when I wake up and can't stop thinking. I may amass a rather large collection of these.