It amazes me sometimes how days/weeks go by when I think I'm really starting to feel good about myself and it seems like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I tell myself that I am not a freak, that I am a good person, and if people don't like me than that is their problem. And then all of a sudden I wake up one day and its back, and it hits me twice as hard. It has been this constant rollercoaster my whole life, for as long as I can remember. And the older I get, the more I am starting to realize how much this depression affects the way people view me as a person. It has always been such a private struggle for me because of the way I grew up. I lived my entire childhood inside my head because I was always alone with no one to talk to or play with. My mom was a single mother who was so wrapped up in her own depression, she was not able to take care of me. So when I hit the teenage years and started making some friends, I just felt like a complete freak. I had no idea how to interact with other people and the fact that I was so shy to begin with made it even worse. And my mom kept me SO sheltered from the entire world, I felt like I was still a baby compared to everyone else my age. I was not used to having friends and I just wanted to fit in. I felt so ashamed of myself so I began hiding my true self from everyone and trying to create this "new person" because I just wanted to be accepted. And now I'm 24 and I don't know who I am. I don't even know how to find myself because I never really developed into anyone. I feel like i'm still trying to hide this 12 year old girl from the world. I have lost so many friends for selfish reasons and I have shut out most of the world, partly because of anger and partly because most people don't seem to know how to take me. I know I make people uncomfortable because I feel uncomfortable so I just try to stay away.
I am guilty of playing the victim role…I know this…….