It amazes me sometimes how days/weeks go by when I think I'm really starting to feel good about myself and it seems like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I tell myself that I am not a freak, that I am a good person, and if people don't like me than that is their problem.  And then all of a sudden I wake up one day and its back, and it hits me twice as hard.  It has been this constant rollercoaster my whole life, for as long as I can remember.  And the older I get, the more I am starting to realize how much this depression affects the way people view me as a person. It has always been such a private struggle for me because of the way I grew up. I lived my entire childhood inside my head because I was always alone with no one to talk to or play with.  My mom was a single mother who was so wrapped up in her own depression, she was not able to take care of me.  So when I hit the teenage years and started making some friends, I just felt like a complete freak.  I had no idea how to interact with other people and the fact that I was so shy to begin with made it even worse.  And my mom kept me SO sheltered from the entire world, I felt like I was still a baby compared to everyone else my age.  I was not used to having friends and I just wanted to fit in.  I felt so ashamed of myself so I began hiding my true self from everyone and trying to create this "new person" because I just wanted to be accepted.  And now I'm 24 and I don't know who I am.  I don't even know how to find myself because I never really developed into anyone.  I feel like i'm still trying to hide this 12 year old girl from the world.  I have lost so many friends for selfish reasons and I have shut out most of the world, partly because of anger and partly because most people don't seem to know how to take me.  I know I make people uncomfortable because I feel uncomfortable so I just try to stay away.

I am guilty of playing the victim role…I know this…….

1 Comment
  1. fschubart 13 years ago

    I know exactly how you feel. I grew up about the same way, although I had plenty of friends in High School, I'm not sure I ever really made a connection. I always felt alone, and still do. Always playing the actor, sometimes with my fake magazine smile  and  not letting anyone  in.  I've lost many friends except for the few that truly know me that love me for who I am. I'm not that close to family because they don't (won't) understand and think god put them here to criticize me and give me a hard time. I was so uncontrollable as a teenager my parents kept putting me through drug and alcohol programs even though I never failed one drug test. I did drink often though and got caught with a half pint of hooch at my bus stop in front of the police station. Out of everything, I would not admit and didn't believe anything was wrong. Although I was always told to stop trying to be different, I never tried to be different. Eventually, my parents, who I've since made up with tried to award me to the state at 15, but I hopped a bus across country to NY where I worked for a while until I got caught. Since then, I was pretty much on my own. One disaster after another….. ups, downs, police, broken bar room windows. One day I decided I wanted to change things. Went back to school. Became a computer tech and college professor. Did great for a while, and then Bam!, the downward spiral again, although this time I don't know if I'll get out. Most of the thousands of people that claim to know me from work see me as the most understanding and loving person they'll ever meet. But there is always that other side that most don't see. Last year, I finally admitted defeat, and I see a doctor for it. Things are more manageable with the meds, but sometimes it seems like there's no hope and I just want to be left alone. Then other times I come out of it when I'm hypomanic or manic and I'm the life of the party. It feels like there are two versions of me and I'm not sure who I really am. Sometime I go out into the wilderness by the river and sit for hours by myself where I'm at peace and everything is beautiful and try to figure it out. I hope I do come day and I hope you do to. Maybe that is my identity, I don't know, but I do know how hard it is to live like that, the hopelessness, lack of emotion, derealization. I wish you all the best, and if you ever need to talk, send me a message.

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