I know a few folks have been curious as to my story as I've not divulged much if anything of myself in the profile..I've been kind of hesitant for fear of judgment *which the point to the room is that its nonjudgmental*..anyhow here it is..I'm a degreed engineer who was doing ok in life despite a few disappointments & more than a little baggage until I sustained a back injury which kept.me from pursuing a career dream..the OCD ensued & over the course of ~20 years I've devolved into something unrecognizable from before..am basically "Howard Hughes" now..am unable to work in my field now *or at all* so am on disability .. which.I'm glad is there but would give almost anything not to be on..I'm an almost totally reclusive shutin who rarely ventures out & when so it feels like storming the beaches of Normandy under full fire .. my food & supplies are delivered to me through my efforts alone..as friends & family have forsaken me *they've "had enuf"*..btw can't drive now either which is of course inconvenient & really kinda cramps ur style..anyhow I've dreams & aspirations which.I'd love to pursue however OCD is obviously the prime hurdle as well as what.I'd like to do *& would be well qualifed for* would require many $$ of startup capital initially..living in a small midwestern town *due to lack of finances & mobility & "courage"* which is itself "stuck" in the 1800's mentality & tolerance wise so face much willfully ignorant discrimination from people here which is another reason for not venturing out much..just don't know what to do to go about "breaking the cycle" here..feels like even though my socalled "loved ones" don't want anything to do with me they are also influencing & derailing my affairs "behind the scenes" so they don't have "clean up my messes" *which I really resent having my affairs referred to as messes*..I basically feel "bullied" from all conceivable points.of the compass..landlord wants me out as he thinks I'm a "freak" & even though he can't do it legally he makes things.very uncomfortable for me in an effort to get.me to move..seems like whenever I try doing anything constructive in "breaking the cycle" either over the telephone or online somehow my efforts "go south" for unexplainable reasons *smacks of paranoia I know but its just been way too much for it to be coincidental*..reason for picking the music above is because even though its mostly about poverty the last 2 lines translate equally well  to ppl with our condition.."..gotta make a decision….u leave tonight or live & die this way.."..am really spilling my guts here so if u've stayed onboard thus far u're to be commended..ok guess.I'm done..left out alot so as not to drone on & bored u all silly with my endless stream of conscienceness..anyhow thx for your time & attention people..its been very cathartic for me..

1 Comment
  1. Ditto 14 years ago

    Hi Buff~~

    I just got back from my first therapy appt..Saw your blog.I know that you are struggeling with agorophobia,and I had that back in the 80's really bad.I am going to share with you what I did.First,I went through all kinds of tests to determine whether or not there was something physically wrong with me.Once that was not the case I told my mom I thought that I was going crazy.So,we went ot find me a psychiatrist.After about 3 I found one I liked.She knew exactly what was wrong with me.(also told me I was not going crazy).We started therapy,(meds too,anafranil,xanax).then at the place where she worked out of was a day program that I went to.It was extremely scarry for me,but I did not want to live the rest of my life that way.Then,I started going to a group called A.I.M, which stands for agorophobics in motion.Went there once a week.I loved this group,they helped me out tremendously,but I had to do alot of work myself too.It takes alot of hard work and pushing yourself to get out of this,but I know you are an intelligent man Buff and you can do it.Exposure is the best therapy,the more you do it the easier it gets.I am here for you if you ever need me,you are my new brother..

    Love you..

    0 kudos

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