I have not posted in a while but I come on and check everyday. One of my closest friends e-mailed me the other day asking how I was doing. I honestly did not know how to answer that question.
On one hand, I have been feeling pretty good. Things with my wife and daughter are going well. I am keeping active, sleeping well. I recently received a letter from a parent telling me what an amazing impact I have had on his son.
On the other hand, when I take a closer look, my life is still being completely controlled by obsessions and compulsions. Driving remains a daily struggle as the need to remember license plates and company names of vehicles never ceases. My newer obsession, having to remember what people are saying, is a real struggle. I know for certain it is driving my wife crazy. She could be downstairs talking to our daughter, and I hear a few words of what she has said. I have to run downstairs and ask her to repeat everything she just said. At school it has become particularly embarassing. I am asking teachers who are not even talking to me to repeat themselves. Ofcourse, I am good at disguising it and being creative so they don't think I am weird. All of us with OCD become masters at that. Regardless, it is not healthy.
Today was my daughter's 1st birthday party. It got off to a rather stressful start as we had planned an outdoor party for 50 people and it decided to rain all day. So we had to cram people inside. My violent thoughts have been bugging me on and off all the time. Usually they are towards a child on my block. Today though, out of the blue I got violent thoughts and images about a boy at the party. I got very upset and wanted to pretend I was sick so I could just go home and lay in bed. But it was such an important day for my daughter. I took an ativan, composed myself, and hung in there. I am not sure if this was exposure or a compulsion, but I ended up going over to the boy. He took a liking to me and he ended up sitting on my lap while my daughter opened here presents. Then, as always happens, I am driving home and one of the families I obsess about drive right by the house.
I am in the basement now, trying to keep busy and assemble all of her toys. I still am feeling a little upset about it all. I have not seen my therapist in a month as he has been away because of surgery. I just don't know where to go next with my ocd. Is it just my depression symptoms that are better? I am just a little confused. I feel better, but when I really look hard and analyze my behaviours, they are all OCD. I am not too sure what to do.
Anyways, Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there.