This weekend is an event, on which I was in pleasent anticipation for about a bunch of months. Originally it was plannes to drive today in the very morning, beeing on the event the first day, sleep in a hotel, beeing on the event tomorrow und drive back tomorrow in the late evening.
I scared about this event more and more as it come sooner and sooner. Biggest scare is about the using of toilets outsides. My fear of contamination on public toilets is big because of dirtiness and extreme shame, if I had to use it for other than urinating. The nervouseness of my mind make my stomach etc althoug very nervous. I think you know the problem… Its an sport event in a gym with much participants. I was on such events in the pasts and the toilets are mostly extremely dirty. In one case there wasnt any soap in nearly all toilet-rooms. That means, thas not only me are contaminated with all the stuff from the toilets, but all the others are too. Now is it a competition, where I am in much bodycontact with others. I dont get any problems with that, if such things happened in my hometown, because I can go home afterwards and wasch myself etc. But there I have to move with my car at home and its highly possible, that I contaminate it with all the fecies etc. Now I cant clean it by myself, because its to big for me and my fiancé would "have to" do it. But thats not right and I hate myself for the fact, that she is involved in such fucked up stuff and I cant managed it by myself. But I need a "half-decent clean car" soon next week. Today I can drive with it without washing me at home, which is a big success. It were times, where I have to shower completely exessively after beeing in the car and put all my clothes to the machine. Im scared, that the event takes me this little freedom, which I have hard won.
Furthermore we are in trouble with money since last months. Weve got big back pay for our flat because of hot-water (…) and heating, which is more than our current income for 1 1/2 month… we have already borrowed money from two different relatives and dont know, when we are able to pay it back… So we cancelled already this day of the event and save the money for the hotel and one day costs of the event.
So now Im sitting here and think about tomorrow. I was so in joy the last months and exactly this kind of event was it, were I want to be since nearly two years now. But now I just dont want to get there. I dont want to go on the toilet and get my equipment and car contaminated with fecies. I scared the trouble with my girl and the screaming, which possibly come in sooner or later and the extreme exhausting at the end of the day. Than I think like more and more the last time, that I dont deserve this event anyway, because I dont do much good for our life and only beeing the source of pain for me and my loved… Although I am guilty, that we got so less many (I dont work regulary this time) and now this big event, which costs us with the travel for one day already so much, that we could eat a whole month of it…
On the other hand I dont know of the thoughts about money and no-deserving are only excuses, so that I dont feel the defeating of my OCD, when I just dont go there because of my fear. My girl says often, that my opinion, that I dont deserve anything good because my lack of dignity and beeing source of most of all our trouble, is wrong and I have the right to feel well in live too. But at least the lack of money is a real fact. The rest might be an illusion by my disorder. She sees the point with the money too. But I think she wants so extreme, that we go to the event, because she want to feel my lucky at all moments, when I can possibly go luckey.
I dont know, what to do and I have to make a decision, because we would have to start driving in 13 hours… 🙁 Im so sick of me and my lack of ableness to make decisions and the unknowing, what of my bad feelings are notes, on which I should listen and which are only the OCD and Anxiety and Sociophobia stuff.
Thanks all for reading and I hope, I write good enough, that its understandable. I regulary just read and listen, but dont speak and write english very often.