This weekend is an event, on which I was in pleasent anticipation for about a bunch of months. Originally it was plannes to drive today in the very morning, beeing on the event the first day, sleep in a hotel, beeing on the event tomorrow und drive back tomorrow in the late evening.
I scared about this event more and more as it come sooner and sooner. Biggest scare is about the using of toilets outsides. My fear of contamination on public toilets is big because of dirtiness and extreme shame, if I had to use it for other than urinating. The nervouseness of my mind make my stomach etc althoug very nervous. I think you know the problem… Its an sport event in a gym with much participants. I was on such events in the pasts and the toilets are mostly extremely dirty. In one case there wasnt any soap in nearly all toilet-rooms. That means, thas not only me are contaminated with all the stuff from the toilets, but all the others are too. Now is it a competition, where I am in much bodycontact with others. I dont get any problems with that, if such things happened in my hometown, because I can go home afterwards and wasch myself etc. But there I have to move with my car at home and its highly possible, that I contaminate it with all the fecies etc. Now I cant clean it by myself, because its to big for me and my fiancé would "have to" do it. But thats not right and I hate myself for the fact, that she is involved in such fucked up stuff and I cant managed it by myself. But I need a "half-decent clean car" soon next week. Today I can drive with it without washing me at home, which is a big success. It were times, where I have to shower completely exessively after beeing in the car and put all my clothes to the machine. Im scared, that the event takes me this little freedom, which I have hard won.
Furthermore we are in trouble with money since last months. Weve got big back pay for our flat because of hot-water (…) and heating, which is more than our current income for 1 1/2 month… we have already borrowed money from two different relatives and dont know, when we are able to pay it back… So we cancelled already this day of the event and save the money for the hotel and one day costs of the event.
So now Im sitting here and think about tomorrow. I was so in joy the last months and exactly this kind of event was it, were I want to be since nearly two years now. But now I just dont want to get there. I dont want to go on the toilet and get my equipment and car contaminated with fecies. I scared the trouble with my girl and the screaming, which possibly come in sooner or later and the extreme exhausting at the end of the day. Than I think like more and more the last time, that I dont deserve this event anyway, because I dont do much good for our life and only beeing the source of pain for me and my loved… Although I am guilty, that we got so less many (I dont work regulary this time) and now this big event, which costs us with the travel for one day already so much, that we could eat a whole month of it…
On the other hand I dont know of the thoughts about money and no-deserving are only excuses, so that I dont feel the defeating of my OCD, when I just dont go there because of my fear. My girl says often, that my opinion, that I dont deserve anything good because my lack of dignity and beeing source of most of all our trouble, is wrong and I have the right to feel well in live too. But at least the lack of money is a real fact. The rest might be an illusion by my disorder. She sees the point with the money too. But I think she wants so extreme, that we go to the event, because she want to feel my lucky at all moments, when I can possibly go luckey.
I dont know, what to do and I have to make a decision, because we would have to start driving in 13 hours… 🙁 Im so sick of me and my lack of ableness to make decisions and the unknowing, what of my bad feelings are notes, on which I should listen and which are only the OCD and Anxiety and Sociophobia stuff.
Thanks all for reading and I hope, I write good enough, that its understandable. I regulary just read and listen, but dont speak and write english very often.
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Have you been doing ERP therapy witth your therapist? Exposure response prevention this is when you build a hierarchy of your ocd/fears rate them on a scale of one to ten and start with the lowest on the list. Maybe start with going to a clean public bathroom and practice going there everyday for seven days. Allow yourself to feel the anxiety and let it pass without any ritualization. So what you would normally do if you freak out about "contamination' you must not do that urge. A doctor can work with you on the list. It takes about a week to overcome a issue like for instance mine was mail in a week of grabbing mail not washing hands and i went for a walk i was ok. Then i moved on to the next thing on my list. I have contamination ocd too but with different things not with feces/urine but avoidance is the commonality no matter which fear item/object you deal with. Hope this helps i am not a doc just a fellow ocd sufferer this is just my opinion.
Hello Abbey,
thanks for your comment! I read the term ERP several times on this site the last two days and never heard about it. Your short description and giving example sounds interesting. No, I dont do ever something like that with my therapist. He speaks often about to “destroy the whole house of cards” and the unlikelyness of getting forwards with short steps. Me for my opinion thought often, that im unable to do something over the top, like he suggests sometimes, and can and should start and try instead with “small things”. This way Im able to do a lot things, which I was unable to do, like touching everything in my flat with papertowels, to avoid washing my hands. Now I can touch many allday items in my flat without towels and washing my hands. But theses little progresses are always not structured and with a longtermed plan. But thats it, where the ERP-concept seems to be find its place. I think Im going to inform me more about that. Maybe I can work that way also without my current therapist (Im get more and more the plan, to change my therapist. I get nearly nothing inputs ore commentaries from him). My life is although very unstructured. Maybe ERP gives my structure and orientation and also a concept, which let seem my OCD-bounds resolveble – other the perspective I have no on it. In the shoutbox I typed “New day, new nightmare” and after that you typed “new adventure”. Now I associate it with the “discharging” of an ERP-list, which sounds like a kind of adventure. Like a quest in an computergame – you know exactly what to do and try it and than you know what comes next. Other to now, where I only see a enormous bunch of fear, unableness and things that choked me, while I lose more and more the believe in getting out sometimes.
Thank you again, Abbey!
Your welcome. I am so glad that the concept makes sense because the ERP is the recommended treatment for ocd sufferers. (Along with medication for some). I remember when I first got advice about this it all seemed so new and strange but now I totally understand and was lucky enough to be able to see OCD specialist that do this therapy. I had to pay out of pocket because my insurance didnt cover the therapist I needed to see at the time, but I saved up and went to group therapy which was less expensive and it was great for me. I met such nice people and we supported each other (cheered eachother on so to speak). I actually conquered a few things but its an ongoing process. Now I have the opportunity to go to ocd clinic at the University but again we are financially strapped so I try to do it myself though it takes alot of discipline, you can liken it to exercise. It's easy to get complacent. A couple of recommendations are a book by Edna Foa called "Stop Obsessing." Also there is The International OCD foundation which may be very helpful with information. Talk therapy does not make a dent in OCD its the behavorial therapy that is recommended. I really liked your analogies about the video games (quest games) and so forth. Also you may be able to find a support group in your area where you can go with your fiance, i go to one occassionally with my daughter its great when everyone is working together and has info that helps coping with ocd. It can be very stressful on the ones closet to us. I just wanted to add exposure therapy is challenging and not for everyone but it seems like you have already been able to do it on your own, ie., the paper towels and working your way not to use them that is fantastic.
He Abbey,
I subscribed to “Stop Obsessing” at my library. They got It in his inventory in german translation. Thx for the suggestion. My therapist called himself as an behaviour therapist and I also read before I start about the advantage of it over talk therapy or analysis. But in fact Its not a behaviour therapy like I already realised and already said :/. Its good to hear, that you already made proceedings and I hope, you still can go further. But I think its correct, thats a big process and unfortunately there isnt a near point on which you are cured when its arrived. This terrifies me a bit. But also for this case the ERP-list may give structure and feeling of managebleness. And your so right, that our loved ones are also udner stress. I hate me so often for beeing the source of yo many bad feelings for my girl 🙁 And this feeling is again a source of making much things worse, because the stress-level rises. A vicious circle. It also sounds great, what you talked about group therapy. In my town there is a private group, which meets once a month, if I rememebr correctly. But I dont dare to go there… my town isnt so big and Im a bit in paranoia and shame, that somebody can know about me and my ocd… :/
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And thanks for your recognition of my small proceeds. It must so hard to understand how big theses things are for people without ocd. So myself always believes often, that I have nothing achived and everything is worse as ever. Its so difficult to remember, that I shouldnt take the view of “normal people” on my problems and proceedings and should instead dont forget the significance of both my problems and my small proceedings for my life, which I unfortunately have to live.