The past couple nights have been rough. My panic attacks have come back. I was trying to pin point what brought them up again. There could be millions of things… but I think I know one of them that set my panic off.

The other day, my fiance's gal friend called him. Her best friend died in her sleep, due to a drug over dose. She was almost 50 years old, but she's had a rough life. She was a severe alcoholic and pill popper of prescription pills. I am not good at dealing with death, and that's what triggered it I believe. Also, my step uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer last week. Dealing with death, and the fear of dying scares the hell out of me. I can't get it out of my mind. I always have negative thoughts, especially at night. I still don't have closure with my three grandparents passing within a year a couple years ago. It's like it happend yesterday. I am not taking any medications right now, but I am thinking of taking xanax again, which of course helps at night.

The other night, I went out with my fiance and got drunk. I know it's not good, but with all that's been happening with the death of his gal friend and the preparation for my uncle, I turned to alcohol that night. I had a bad dream, and when I woke up, my heart was beating so fast, I couldn't even count how fast the beats were. It lasted for about five minute, but it scared me so bad, I almost called 911. I called my mom, and she reassured me I wasn't going to die, and I wasn't going to have a heart attack. I was so tired and my breathing was calm, but man, my heart was pounding so damn fast.

Last night, I was so scared to go to sleep. I was afraid I was going to have the same heart issue. My fiance Cliff went to bed, I laid with him for a couple minutes, but I was afraid of having a panic attack, so I got up, laid in the livingroom to calm down, until I finally fell asleep. I made sure I was going to fight it. And I did. I feel pretty good today. The anxiety is still deep in my tummy, but I am going to do what I can to cope and overcome the panic. Can't stand it. When I drove back home last night, I was so scared to go into the house. The feelings were so fresh in my mind, and I had no where to run to. The best way to deal with panic, is let it happen. I am going to fight this. I am a little hesitant to go to bed tonight, but I am filling my mind with positive thoughts. There's nothing wrong with me. I am healthy, havea wonderful family and dear friends. I am in love… there's nothing that's going to stop me, not even panic.