i’ve noticed that these past few days, ive written blogs just about you. maybe its because as days are quietly passing, you are all that really stands out in my life. i used to think that god hated me because i was bad, i mean, i still do. i lie to my parents, and i even was lying to you. i thought that what i was getting was because of all the bad ive done, all the evil i’ve done, in god’s eyes atleast. the reason why i dont want to do the things you want me to anymore is because of this, because i feel like im filling myself up with poison and bad thoughts that i shouldnt be. i dont want to be bad, because all i want to do is good.

but last night, maybe you were right. as much as i used to think that being with you was bad, maybe god wanted it this way. maybe you are here with me today because he knows i need you, because he knows that i’ll be alive  only until you’re there. as much as i’m trying to be good, i’m trying to figure out why what i think is bad-is so bad? what’s wrong with love before marriage, what’s wrong in being able to take control of your education? am i bad because i dont get good grades? am i bad because i love you, and because i want sex with you sometimes? that does make me bad person? i’m trying to hard to figure myself out, im trying to fucking hard to find a reason that i’m good, but the lines between the two are so blurry, i cant see where i’m going.

is it wrong to truly be in love with someone, and do what’s right for them? if god really did give me you, then why is it wrong if i get close to you? i used to think that my situation was bad enough to kill myself, but as i look closer

is it really all that bad?

or is it too late to change what will soon happen?