It looks like my roommate is planning to move. She has another living situation available, and it looks as if she might take it.
She and I are not getting along. I find it very difficult to figure out how to act with her around. My compassion is still there, but my compassion for myself is in there as well. I can no longer accept blame for everything she wants to blame me for. She makes some points that I take to heart, apologize for and try to amend. Other things she accused me of, I see her side, apologize for hurt feelings, but did not apologize for my actions (example… she decided to try to have a 'relationship' with her daughter's dad. I had been at two of their break-ups before, known they had both gotten physically threatening to one another, and told her I could not support her fourth attempt. I apologized for not being there for her (she broke it off after a couple of months), but if she were to do the same thing again, I would still not be there for her).
The thing that gets me most is her penchant for throwing blame at me. I look at our living arrangement and just see two people with two different ways of acting and behaving and seeing that the two don't match. For her, it's a matter of laying blame. Someone has to be responsible. My view is that we just don't jive; we have both tried to bend but it isn't working.
I do hope she can move out soon. It would be better for both of us. Given her financial situation, I certainly won't ask her to leave, but I have told her that if she wants to, the best to her.. I certainly want the best for both of us.
She has been a friend for me over the last 8 years. It has been a rough road, and it may very well be at an end. But I truly only wish the best for her. A distant friend on Facebook once told me that there are friends for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. Despite all the trouble we've had, I value having had her as a friend as long as I have. She has been my best friend and at times a not so good friend… in both cases I've been able to grow a little bit 🙂
btw… online I've found some really good directed meditations based on compassion. They are in MP3 form and I am using them daily. I recommend them.