I’m finally working on pulling things together but I know that it’ll take a long time. I’m seeing a counselor and she referred me to a nutritionist to help me stablize my eating habits. What I’m worried about the most though is my anger. I’m so insecure and upset about past events that I’m infuriated by them a lot of the time. In fact, I’m supposed to be in bed but I’m up writing this because I remembered something that happened that really hurt and upset me and now I’m pissed off again. I often feel cheated and left out, like I’m second best and a loser. I hate that all of these people who hurt me…got away with it. They cut me and they cut me deep and they were never punished. No one ever came by to tell them, "Hey, you really suck" or do to them what they did to me. They got away with it and are all basically happy today whereas what they did to me still hurts me even now. This realization leaves me hoping that the same thing happens to them so that maybe they won’t be such jerks later in life. You learn from pain…rarely the pain you cause though.
I know that it’s not good to wish for such things but I can’t help but hope they suffer, too. I know feeling this way hurts me more than it ever will them so I need to fix it but it’s hard. I’m almost too afraid to voice these concerns in a counseling session. But I’m going to try to work with this counselor while I’m still in school which could mean for the next two or three years. I’m not happy that I’ll likely be here for that much longer but maybe that’s the silver lining. Maybe the help and guidance and routine will get me on track and help me purge myself of such hateful feelings.