Here it comes again, my obsession with someone. I met this man only through the internet and was intrigued by who he is and that he is a professional in the legal field. I am, too, a professional in the legal field, but I am only a retired paralegal; whereas, he is a judge. We have had a couple of comments back and forth on Facebook and he is just so awesome that I can't get him out of my mind. This is not the first obsession Ihave had. About 3 years ago, I was obsessed with Michael Keaton, the actor. I sent him about 6 letters and even wrote to his family, or so I thought. I had his picture by my bed and I would fantasize about him and it was horrible, because I knew he would never be mine. Well, it's happening again… only, that this time the guy is married, but I don't know if he is HAPPILY married. The few hints tell me that he and his wife may be apart, but I am not sure and don't dare to "go there" for fear of hearing that he is happily married. Then, I would be wondering why he and I are having these convos on Facebook. Little messages and comments are the key to my obsession. I did nt know that I was obsessing with Michael Keaton, until one day I woke up and just pushed him out of my mind. I began to cry and I was furious that I couldn't get to him. I thought of staking him, but I figured, as a paralegal, that would be against the law and I could go to jail if I tried. I kept on giving myself messages that I had to stop and I did. I began to see him as impossible and I knew that if I didn't want to get arrested or worse, like getting seriously depressed and comitting suicide, I had to push him out of my mind. On ocassion, I still think of him, but the obsession is over. Now, it's happening again. I am obsessed with this man and I can't get him out of my mind. I fantasize on all sots of scenarios (none sexual) and I get this warm feeling, which makes me feel strange. I just got through a depressive cycle and I was stable for a couple of weeks. Now, my OCD is acting up. He lives far away and that is good because I have used the coping skills with my former obsession to teach me that if he's far away, I can't see him and/or stalk him. I discovered that I could very well be a stalker, and I was surprised to reveal that to myself and it is a horrible feeling because it's against the law. I do have one option to seeing this man. I know I can, but I am opting out of that because if I see him, my obsession will be fully unleashed and I will go nuts trying to get information on him. I know that he doesn't mention his wife much. He does mention his kids. They are grown up and he is a mature man, about my age. He doesn't mention the wife, but that could be because he wants to protect her, if they are happy, or he doesn't want to talk about her because he is NOT with her and would rather not mention her at all. I don't know what to think now. I am obsessed, THAT I know… but, it's probably not going to get me anywhere and I have to try real hard to push him out of my world. I am thinking of not answering the messages and comments he makes to me on FB. He may be a freak or a rapist, or even worse. I don't know him. I just know about him. Meeting would probably be good to see, once and for all, if he is going to be a friend or if I should run as far away from him as I can. I haven't talked to anyone about this, as I did when I had the obsession with Michael Keaton. I don't even talk about this with my therapist, because I don't want to disclose any information to her about this. She may come back with something I don't want to hear. I have to do this alone. By writing this blog I am releasing some of the tension. I know who I am, I know I can get anywhere and do anything I really want. I have good connections everywhere. BUT… no, I won't try to do this because it's dangerous. Now, my biggest problem is getting him off my mind. I don't know how, but I have to. I can start with not responding to his messages and comments. That would be a good place to start, but I just can't do it right now. I am too involved in an OCD way and that doesn't happen to me often, but I have to work it through on my own. I wish I had someone I could talk to, but I don't. I fear that anyone I talk to about this may screw me up more. So, I live with it and hope that my next blog will be more positive; in the way of removing this guy off my mind. I haven't been to the depression sight, but I stayed away because of my depression cycle. I think I might get some "venting" if I go to the room. Not negative venting, but positive venting. I have to keep myself more occupied with other things than just thinking about this guy 24/7… I guess I will have to try and do this. I don't know how much help it may be, but talking to the people in the room may make me feel better about myself and talk to the people in the room about other things that may push this guy out of my psyche. I don't really know how the mind works. I am on medication and I have MDD, but I also have a touch of OCD, which was revealed to me when I felt I could get a hold of Michael Keaton. That was my first obsession and it took months for me to get rid if it. Now I have an outlet, which is to re-connect with my online friends in the room and perhaps find another avenue to deal directly with OCD on this website. We shall see… I just have to admit it to myself that I won't know more about this guy unless we keep on messaging… but, do I really want to know that he is happily married and if he is, why is he messaging me? I guessI have to giv emyself some time to think this through clearly. I hope for the best. Usually, I do good when I put my mind to do whatever I have to do. However, I had to blog abut the obsession I am going through and this was good, writing it out. I am sighing right now… but, that is ging to be good for me. I do pray, so God knows what I am going through. He has always been my saving grace, so I just have to keep THAT contact and He just might give me the answer I need. Again, we shall see… that'sall for now.
Evelyn, , Depression, Anxiety, Child, Depression, Medication, OCD, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Abuse, Suicide, Therapist, 0