So I was recommended this site and I’m still trying to figure out how everything works. So far so good because I’ve found this ‘Blog’ space which seems like a good place to vent. But where should I start?
Well first of all, people call me M so I’ll use that for introductions. My hobbies include playing/creating music, baking, cooking, reading, crying, talking to myself, avoiding mirrors to dismiss my own reflection, previously, self-harming (mentally counts too!) etc. I mean the list can go on but we’ll leave it there for now.
The last two years of my life have been the worst that I’ve known and honestly I have no idea when, why and how it all started to go wrong and that makes it worse for me. I like to think of myself as a reasonably logical person and I don’t understand how I of all people can never understand my emotions. If anyone was to understand me, it would be me, right?
All those ‘hobbies’ that I mentioned earlier (the positive ones) are extremely hard to do when your mind is fixated on the negative ones. Sometimes I feel like I’m my own worst enemy and that one day I’m going to destroy myself and eliminate any potential that I may have but then there’ll be no-one to blame but me. Being the person who you are is very difficult when you don’t know who you are. For example, I thought I was a strong person but the part of me who went through the whole self-harming phrase is not the same person I would associate myself with. She was a whole different part of me that I never knew existed. She was the vulnerability that I see/hear in others when I do all I can to help them. I know others who have been in that same position but a year ago I never thought that would be me. Turns out I don’t know myself as much as I think I do. Turns out I only know the person I want to be/see myself as i.e. a strong, grounded person with self-control.
Half of my problem which is a big thing for me to outline, is that I’m more of a listener than a talker yet here I am. And if you’ve made it this far down, 1) thank you! 🙂 2) you must be just like me…a listener (or reader in this case)
For my first post, I just wanted to brush the surface so I don’t scare anyone away 🙂 but hope to speak soon…
p.s. Agatha Christie’s Poirot is one of my favourite shows hence the photo…look it up!