my mum died in the last 24hs, we dont know when somewhere between 2:30am and 1pm. my OCD is thankfuly still controled by meds but its out of its med conrtol if you understand. at the moment i need to feel like im doing something, though there is really nothing that can be done untill the corinor inquest is over with. i guess is this why im writing this. there is no one left to tell and there is plenty of people that know that i havent told, i guess that what happens in country towns, the people in the town know before extended family does and by that i mean aunts and uncles.

from here i dont know, im terrifed ontop of all of this OCD will play its role and with me the exertutar of the will and everything else everyones coming to me saying what they would like. i dont have the heart to tell them, that no its going to be what she would like. and she did tell me what she wanted down to what coffen she wanted, she was sick she was on dyalise, but this was so out of the blow. that when my brother called and i was in the middle of doing a shit i thought he needed more money, then when i answered he said and i will never forget these words "i hope your ready for a funeral becaues mum is died", all i can think is she promised! she promised me she would be at my graduation from uni in october, and in may when i finished we would go to the aquarime together for the day and celibrate. now thats not going to happen, the last thing i did with her was pick out my graduation dress and now its going to be my funeral dress.

my mum had her own form of ansity is was a horder, when i went over to the house, it was just to gross, the dust! was think in the air. my brother and sperm doner both at times got upset with me for cleaning, but they need to have space for when people come. my batter is about to die thats it for now.