Damn…. This shit is so messed up, and Before i get into it i apologize for any cussing in this blog. My OCD Intrusive thoughts have been mainly violent ones, this shit is the Fuckin worst, for a while i was feelin alot better then all of the sudden the bomb drops I get stuck in that cycle Thought-Anxiety-Panic-Checking… Its just irritating I have been dealing with these thoughts for about 4-5 months and i have not acted on them once, I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR A MONTH AND A HALF IN A PSYCH WARD FOR THIS SHIT AND I DID NOT ACT ON THEM….but even tellin myself that doesnt help to calm my anxiety. I really dont know how long i have been suffering from Severe anxiety, Depression, and OCD cause until i went in the hospital i had no idea, but I know that for most of my life i have suffered through watching my younger brother since he was 8 suffering from all this shit, the hand washing, the contamination, it hurt me so much i could do nothing to help him, out of everyone in the house i was the most calm with him, It killed me inside to watch him suffer and now he is almost 15 and because my dad decided he doesnt want to be with my mom anymore it seems like all the progress my brother made means nothing. I hate this shit so much. It feels like a curse almost everyone in my family suffers from mental illness and for the longest time i thought i would not have to suffer the effects first hand but everything over time that happened to me, the pain, the suffering the anger, the sadness, i bottled it up, i shut it down, and i felt like a ghost moving through life, even now i am trying to recognize my feelings and heal but its so hard not to get stuck in old habits. It was like everytime i suffered or was in pain it was put into a folder and sealed away in my mind, i never truly let myself grieve, cry, feel pain or anger. Now more than ever i regret it, i regret it all. Some days it feels so hard to go on living, but then i think to myself all the things i am blessed with. A Mother who would do anything for me, a younger brother who looks up to me and is like my bestfriend, an older sister who loves me and watches out for me, my father who would take a bullet for me and any other of my siblings, I suffer from a mental illness but i should be greatful that it is nothing like schizophrenia, because I have seen it destroy lives, so many people suffer from it and there is not much that can be done. I have a home, Clothing, food, water, bed…. I have access to the internet where i can just write a bunch of shit like this and get feedback from amazing people who dont even know me and they are nothing but respectful and supportive. The world is such a scary place, but it is when we can find the beauty and hold on to it that the shroud of darkness becomes a little bit brighter.


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