(Note: Upon realizing how ridiculously long this blow was upon it's completion, since I apprently didn't feel up to editing it down to a respectable legnth, I decided that for anyone who is kind enough to take the time to read this pseudo-novel, the least I could do is divide it up into "parts", so as to hopefully make it easier to read, or to provide bathroom breaks….or whatever. So this is Part 1, with parts 2 and 3 to follow)
I want to know WHY….WHY….did I have to have it, huh?!? Why?!?…And people keep telling me that they think I'm doing better?!?…And as a result, people want me to TELL them that I'm doing better?!?….This is why I can NEVER EVER tell anyone I'm doing better, even if it seems that way to them, hell, even if I get the crazy idea in MY OWN FREAKINGHEAD that I might actually be doing better: because, ultimately, I'm NOT….the depression/panic attacks NEVER go away for good…and I will not ever say "Oh, I'm doing great now!" knowing that the demons(easier to refer to them as that instead of always saying "depression/panic attacks" all the time) might fly away from time-to-time and leave me alone–hey, maybe there are even things that I do on my OWN to keep them away–but sooner or later, they always come back, like they did this morning…so I'm not going to fool myself into EVER telling myself that I'm doing better knowing that I might jinx myself and cause them to come back with a vengeance, knowing that I might fool myself and ultimately disappoint myself and make me feel more hopeless about the possibiity of EVER conquering these FREAKING beasts(or demons, or whatever)…and I won't ever say that to other people even if they are so sure they see it in me, no matter how badly they want me to admit it to them, because I don't want to diappoint them either if an inevitable relaps occurs….
So, what did me in last night, huh? Really, I want to know. What FREAKING set the demons off to attack me last night and into this morning for the first time in a relative while???…See, because, here's the thing: I WAS doing okay–relatively speaking–these past couple of weeks or so…depression was really not getting the best of me for the most part during this time, nor were anxiety attacks…but last night, something set them off again to make them team up on me in a way they hadn't in a while….So what was it??? I don't know–that's WHY I'M FREAKING ASKING…so, let's try to figure it out…
–Was it the fact that my niece and nephew's(they're twins) graduation party last night, that it, well, what, that it ended???...What I mean is, it was something I was looking forward to attending for the past two weeks. I looked forward to it because I of course love my nieces and nephews, was looking forward to participating in a festive and joyous occasion honoring their graduation from high school, good food, good booze, a type of thing that my depression hates because it doesn't like it when I do things where I might have a good time, etc. And last night was the night of the party, and now the party is over….am I depressed that it's over?… Did I "overhype" it in my mind and am I now feeling sad that it is done with? Do I feel like there's nothing to look forward to now that it's over? But that's stupid, right? Damn it–I recall even WARNING myself in the last few days leading up to the evening of the party to NOT LET MYSELF get too down after it's over and worry/sadden myself into thinking that there are no major "events" to look forward to after this. Told myself that THERE WILL STILL BE MANY THINGS to look forward to. They may all just be "little things"–not major celebrations like the graduation party–but things to look forward to nonetheless: there are books and newspapers to read, there are movies to see, there are friends to get together with, there are walks to take at beautiful Creve Coeur Park, there's always the library which you enjoy going to, there's the possibility of me finally getting rollerblading to return to my life after too-long of an absence, there's the excitement of me possibly returning to school for the fall semester and finally beginning the process of getting a degree; there's a newspaper article that will be coming out in a couple of weeks in which someone unexpectedly gave me the opportunity to speak on a painful issue that I am all-too familiar with and it might (there's no guarantees that it will)end up being something that, when it finally comes out, ends up being helpful and/or favorable to me in some way, shape, or form as well as to others who likewise deal with this pain; there's infinite things to look up online, some of them even enjoyable; there's wonderful people to talk to ON THIS VERY WEBSITE who can help you and who you can help in return, among other things….Yes, there is all of this. And hopefully, I will get myself to look forward to all of this stuff again and be content with all of that for now. But at the moment? For whatever reason, it's just not "taking", and I'm infiltrated with sadness that a big event that I was looking forward to has came and went.
End Part 1