im angry and im sad and I feel so lonely and sick of myself and i almost hate myself and when i replay the past year in my head its like watching myself in a video but i cant fully remember if i was there or not.

I watch my grandad who i was extremely close to wither away and die from a stroke. he actually had the stroke back when my attacks first started in 05 but he past away in feb this year. Iv had issues bad since he left. I have night terrors about him. my good dreams are even end up with him in them. I also left my boyfriend of 6 years in dec of 07 for his ex-brother-n-law. I had never cheated before never thought i could ever live with out him, but i did cheat and i can live without him. I feel aweful about it everyday, but dont think im all bad, geez he mistreated me something aweful. He said horrible hurtful things that put me down all the time, he even admitted he didnt blame me for leaving him. But i still know he hurts and that hurts me. we cant be friends because of the awkward situation bc im dating his ex-bro-n-law and yes its a little jerry springerish but i do love sean. So the one i left just found out about me dating sean cuz we kept it secret since december and i worry about him. I think sometimes i fucked up, but then i know i didnt bc i love sean, but im worried sean will leave me bc of my issues and he has his issues. im really kinda embarrassed of my whole situation. My dad and i use to be really close but not now, not since he found out about sean. my dad is old fashioned and sean has kids and is divorced so im "not allowed to date him" but im working on that. Iv been rambling, geez sorry whoever reads this. anyways this shits been on my mind forever and decided i kinda trust people on here to understand. i need some closure somewher somehow but i dont know how!