Do you ever sit and wonder why you are the way you are?
Do you ever think that if you told someone the truth they would hold it against you?
Do you ever wish you could just disappear?
Do you ever Just sit and cry until you physically can’t cry anymore?
Do you ever want to just scream until your voice disappears?
Do you ever put a smile on your face even though it feels like your dying inside?
Do you ever wonder if anyone would miss you?
Do you ever think about self harm, just to be able to feel something?
Do you ever spend your nights lying awake in bed wishing it would all just stop?
Do you ever get so mentally messed up that it makes you physically sick?
Do you ever feel your heart break over and over into thousands of pieces?
Do you ever wonder WHY ME?!?!?!
Do you ever wonder why you can’t be normal?
I have, Everything listed above runs through my mind in as little as an hour, most days. It’s a constant battle within myself. I’m to the point of succumbing to the darkness and just letting it over take me, just because it’s the easier thing to do. I am oh so tired, Mentally, Physically, and Emotionally. I find myself resenting myself for the way my mental health is. I have had so many people tell me to “just get over it”, to “fight through it because there’s no other choice”, That ” I am being irrational”……. That last one specifically gets to me, to the very core of me, and I end up telling myself that on a regular basis, because I have heard it so many times that I have taught myself to believe it. But the thing is, is that all it has done is make me worse. It makes my will to continue on even smaller, It makes it that much easier to give-in to the darkness and just disappear forever! I don’t know what to do anymore! I feel like I am constantly drowning under the immense pressure that society has placed on me, to be okay, to be normal, like everyone else. But I guess that just means get better at hiding my instability, and keeping my thoughts to myself versus reaching out and asking for help.
Sincerely, Lost within myself!