It's been over a week since my last blog entry. I am feeling like a man who, once reaching rock bottom, has requisitioned a jack hammer and some dynamite and resumed digging. I can't seem to quell the incessant negativity that I have let grow in my mind.
I know each day is a new day. A new opportunity. I know that I have worth and that this anxiety and worry is just a thin veil separating me from what I can (and should) be. I know all these things. I just don't BELIEVE them.
My days are all essentially alike now. I honestly couldn't tell you what day of the week it is any more. I don't even care.
I thought that this weekend was going to be cathardic and that I was going to have this wonderful time. A woman I used to date is in town and she wanted to see me. She wanted sex, to be specific.
As a red blooded American male, I jumped at this opportunity. It has been a while since I had a woman show that kind of interest in me. We anxious types don't get alot of dates. Turns out that instead of being what I needed, it was just the opposite.
She arrived on Thursday night. We attempted to have our fun. Not to put too fine a point on it, suffice it to say that this is the first time I've been with a woman where she had more orgasms than I did. Of course that's not too hard when my total for the evening is a big goose egg.
I knew (or tell myself now that I knew) that this anxiety problem could cause sexual dysfunction. I always blamed it on the Effexor. That drug is the orgasm killer. But here's the thing. I've been off of Effexor for eight months now. Eight months. And this problem is exactly why I stopped taking it. I don't think I can blame the drug any more.
So I found that rock bottom isn't much of an obstacle at all for the determined miner of sorrow. I easily broke through that barrier and found a whole new well of misery beneath.
On the bright side: I can mow empathize with all you women. That is, I know what it's liketo have sex for hours and never reach the finish line. I have new respect for you, ladies. You're amazing people.
Thanks for listening.