I\'ve been putting off starting a blog, mainly because I know that I\'ll just fill it with negativity, and also because this site seems to hate me writing blogs unless I use an IE rendering add-on in my Firefox to swap it over while I write it (it hasn\'t been working at all in IE, Safari or Chrome). But that\'s life!
I\'m not very fond of holidays, I\'ve been spending the majority of them either keeping myself busy, or lying in bed trying to sleep – sleep itself isn\'t happening until it feels like it. When I haven\'t been able to keep myself busy or sleep, I\'ve been thinking, and I really don\'t like to think too much about myself because I dig things up that make me feel awful.
One of the things I worry about the most when I\'m thinking is that I\'m an awful person, which is something that so many people reassure me is not true – until one person comes along on occasion, usually at the rate of 1-2 per year, to tell me that I really am awful. Suddenly the reassurances of every other person that has ever said I\'m nice come crashing down and I feel like a monster, some awful monster that is surrounded by wonderful people that keep assuring her she is a good person.
I do feel thankful for my bad feelings, sometimes. I always draw and paint the most impressive things when I\'m feeling awful, but only to a certain point. A lot of this holidays I have felt so strained and exhausted by emotion that I just want to run away somewhere, hide from everyone. I\'ve gone so far sometimes to wonder if I should ever kill myself, but I always stop when I think of how my family would feel about me doing that, and how the government would feel about me wasting all of the taxes that have gone into my university education. It\'s not a viable option for me. I try to escape into games, but I feel guilty enjoying myself. The only thing I can really do to escape is to keep making myself projects, and more, and more until I\'m so busy that I\'m in another world. But that leads back to me being exhausted mentally as well as emotionally, and then I\'m back to lying in bed trying to sleep it all away.
It\'s funny; by all logic the holidays should be absolutely wonderful to me. I\'m almost completely separated from humanity and so I shouldn\'t have to worry about what anyone is thinking, or feeling or saying about me… and yet it hits me so much harder than when I am at university surrounded by people. Every single thing I say to anyone online, or in short meetups over the holidays, is suddenly enhanced tenfold in my mind. I have to think about every word because each one could be wrong.