Foreword: This entry requires a warning. It is not overly graphical but extremely metaphorical and most of it comes from a very dark place. Most thoughts in here should be understood in the context of some of my previous entries so if you haven’t read those, you might want to start a couple entries back. If however you have read them you will likely know what to expect and read on at your own risk.
I am – as is usual for me –writing this foreword after actually finishing this piece so be warned once more that it is going to be very dark, very soon and stay that way until the end, even if the tone changes quite a bit.
Do you feel hot? I do.
I feel Rage within me.
Clawing at my flesh from the inside.
Howling in frustration.
It wants to get out.
He wants to.
I want to.
My chest is bloodied once again.
A vain attempt to contain the rage.
Or maybe to dig in. To kill it. Release it. End it.
If you’d put an ear to my chest you could hear it.
Hear Rage howl and scream.
It sounds just like a heartbeat.
Sometimes I wonder if I cause more damage to my flesh with my hands or if the things inside of me do to my soul. This is slow coming, I do not find the proper words to express myself. I’m holding on to a fragment of sanity and rationality or I would lose myself to Hate and Rage.
Why does no one see the danger?
Why is no one afraid of me?
Am I the only one who see’s and is afraid?
Everytime I lash out is a warning. A tremor before an earthquake.
But when it is over people relax and think the worst is over. Do you not see this is only the calm before the storm? Do you not see that the pattern? The signs?
But nobody understands. I am alone in the fight against myself, the only one who can protect YOU from ME.
Everytime I push, people come closer. When I try to grasp a helping hand it is removed. Why do you make my life a living hell? Why do you put me through this? Why do you give me a reason to fight myself one day only to pour fuel on the fire within the next day?
I hate you for loving me.
I love you for hating me.
Only a few of you understood the danger within. You pulled away, hurt me when I tried to follow. Good. Now teach that to all the others. Educate them. Show them the fires burning in the darkness.
Sometimes I despair and think about what I would have to do to be put down. The answer is ludicrous. If I let Rage out for a day or even an hour or simply just enough to perform one deplorable act it would be enough to have me locked away and if I simply struggle a bit, be put out.
But that is the one thing I swore I would never do. Rage doesn’t fit into this world and because of it neither do I. So I stand apart, watching on, keeping the monster away. But you do not see the monster, do not understand why I do not join you, try to pull me in but never thank me.
You do not understand me.
You do not see the monster.
You do not believe Rage exists.
You cripple my ability to fight by loving me.
You feed rage by hurting me.
Only those who hate me are useful to my struggle but to make you hate me I need to hurt you and that I cannot do.
You ask too much of me.
I am on my knees, my strength spent fighting myself and I cannot but plead: let me go. Let me go to a place where I cannot hurt anyone. A place where me and Rage can fight for eternity or where I can lay down and let Rage take over without it hurting anybody.
Or Rage won’t follow me there. I would be at peace. Alone. Do you not want this for me? Do you hate me so? What have I done to make you crush any dream of peace?
Is it because I am bad?
Tell me, am I bad?
You say I am a good person – but I know different.
You say there is a light shining inside me – you’re wrong, it is fire.
You say there is hope – but there cannot be because I have to fight till my last breath.
You say you love me – THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP ME HERE?
You say it would be selfish – it would be out of love for you.
You say it is cowardice – it is the bravest act I can imagine.
You say it is sin and that I would go to hell – I am already there.
You say you don’t want to be alone – which I understand.
You say it would hurt you – which is what I couldn’t bear.
You say you need me – which is why I stay.
I fight a battle I cannot win nor allow myself to lose.
It is my obligation to keep you safe.
My duty, to shield you.
My destiny, to suffer for you.
I will do this for you.
The fight you do not see.
The struggle you barely notice.
The suffering you do not understand.
Do not ask me to smile or laugh for I cannot.
Do not ask me to be nice for you are not.
Do not ask me to like you for you hurt me.
But thank you for keeping me alive