So…Like I was talking about earlier I was being dragged outside to get some new clothes and whatever (she also dragged my brother around, that's something we share in common- hatred for shopping, plus my social anxiety sooo…)
Anyway, So we went to Hottopic, and I picked out some clothes, I got two new Black Veil Brides music-T's, plus some other band stuff, as well as stitched-up black pants and black-pin shorts…and a skull skirt…
Though, I was forced to get the skirt and shorts….Yeah they fit but I feel SO stupid in them. People and mom keep saying I have 'amazing' legs, but I don't see it. It's like they just want to make fun of me?
So I highly doubt i'm gonna be wearing the shorts or skirts anytime soon….Unless I'm forced because again, so many other girls can pull it off but I know I really can't and that everyone is lying…
Plus on the way to the store (because it's at fashion square or whatever) I looked at my shoes while walking the whole time, and I felt like everyone was staring more then usual since I have to use a cane at the moment.
I felt more like a freak, I mean what normal 16yr has to use a ******** cane? I'm pathetic. So I had a panic attack, but I kept it hidden so I wouldn't be a burden.
Then, after that we went for my brother's shopping, and I had my ipod blasting so loud, and wasn't paying attention I almost lost track of where he and mom had gone in the store we were in for him.
So long-story-short, after a few hours of that hell, we finally got home and god, I feel so dizzy and light-headed, my body is SO weak right now for so many different reasons…I feel worse then s**t.
Also, I think I mentioned this in one of the recent blog entry. but I'm still having those same symptoms and my fever is really high, but I haven't said anything yet. I don't know why i'm having this though.
Could it be from the surgery? like an infection or something? I'm not sure…I just don't wanna end up back in the hospital after only being out for like 3-4 days y'know?
Any ideas on what I should do about that?
Anyway, So far today my parents have been getting along alright. No fights at the moment, but my mom is being a drama queen now saying she's depressed because of my dad's job situation.
so AGAIN, despite the fact I feel like i'm about to keel over and die, I have to be the strong one- the adult- and calm her down, telling her it'll be fine, we won't lose the house, Dad will get a job and to just keep praying to the lord about it.
I understand kids should help their parents, But it shouldn't be about s**t like this, the people I know don't have to be the adult for their parents, they just have to help with chores or when Kim's mom hurt her ankle she helped her around.
But I've had to be the 'adult' for my mother since I was in 2nd grade, I'm not even lying, so of course when I was that young dealing with my problems plus to sexual abuse, I was also holding her up, and when she'd get drunk she'd have me stay up with her for hours while she complained, told me all her 'misery' from her past
You get my point? I'm just stretched WAY to thin, to the point I can't even deal with my disorders, my medical problems or my self physically, then she also has to throw the fact back in my face that she's also stressed because of me and my medical issues (she has no idea about my other disorders or anything)
Ugh…I feel like if I don't stop now, I'll go onto a full rage rant…so that's enough of that…I'm just so exhausted both mentally and physically….I even took to Valium's, two Oxycontin, and two morphine just a moment ago,
So that maybe it'll be enough to give me a buzz or that i'll be able to get atleast some sleep for a little bit. I try not to abuse my medicine but i'm just so drained y'know?
Well…I guess that's it for now…Also one last thing, I've been asked by a few people when I'm going to post another drawing, I'm sorry I haven't done so In awhile, Since I just got out of the hospital no to long ago…
I've been drowning in so many things…BUT…I promise that I will work on a new drawing tonight just for you guys (and gals) because I'm so grateful that you take the time to actually look and care about my artwork…even though I feel like what I draw is s**t..
Also, I'm almost finished coloring that one drawing I said I would do awhile back…So i'll also post that along with my next drawing I post…
So I'll see- or talk- to you guys (and gals) later…I hope everyone else is doing alright…all of you are in my prayer, since unlike me, I'm to far gone to be helped,
But so far all those I have met in this site, I can already tell you all are truly amazing and so strong, I envy that…
Alright…I'm gonna stop babbling now, the meds I took are starting to make things…fuzzy…..Talk to you later….Might go watch some Law & Order SVU, it's a good show, anyone else watch it? (if only it was true..maybe they could hae saved me from my sexual abuse…i'm not that lucky to be saved though..)