The title of this blog doesn't relate to DT but a Christian group I used to go to–before I cried and told everyone there that I had too thought of ending my life. God what possessed me to reveal such a dark thought, I have no idea. Maybe with this other group, I can control my tongue. I do wonder if they will even notice I won't be there tomorrow…maybe like I'm saying to myself, they say "it's better off that I am not there." If only I had the courage to end my pain and suffering, I would. But I guess my pain will continue until those I love have passed.
Love just isn't spoken of in my family but rather implied. The few times I can recall the words being spoken, I doubted their…legitimacy I guess is the word. However, when my cousin, Dana, was still here, her husband, told me not to be angry and that he loved me…no he didn't verbally say it but seeing the words on the message, meant so much. I feel pathetic that those words have such an affect on me. You'd think I'd be used to hearing them but no. They are either said out of routine or not said at all. Mostly when I'm going to bed or leaving family I don't see everyday. I know I need to "snap out of it" but what good will that do in a few weeks when I begin to feel low again?
I can't help but remember my professors words "I suffered from depression for six years." Is it possible there is an end to this darkness? I'm finding after ten years–in which my teens were ruined–hope is just a word that carries little meaning.
I'm having to force myself to go to class. Maybe I shouldn't go to the group tonight. It would be better if I just buried myself in my studies and books. Afterall, I am an expert at isolation and self punishment.
Sorry for the negative post…I have silly thoughts that if I blog them, they will leave me for a while. HA!!