Day four:

I can tell at times that I'm getting better. The black veil still tries to cover me, but I do what I can to push it off. Even the idea of sleeping back in my room is starting to appeal to me a little–a big step of improvement 🙂

My dream last night consisted of the red-haired boy. Of course, since I can't have him, my mind is going to rub it in even further. It likes to give me what I want only in image forms–a dream world where everything I want comes true…to an extent. He is so distant. And we both acknowledge each other, but never on a personal basis. Just aquaintences. I say hey to him, hug and he does the same. Then that's it.

Men were never hard to decipher for me. I could sense what they were feeling towards me or they would approached me or made itso obvious they were interested that I never had to wonder at all. But this kind–the ones that keep their feelings and emotions hidden; cryptic little buggers that I can easily get myself in trouble with assuming the wrong idea–I can't figure them out.

I worry that they can see through me. That they can sense that I have too many problems than what I'm really worth. Maybe I'm just too immature? For a twenty year old? This doesn't make sense.

It's driving me crazy not knowing and then say I did know and he did have feelings for me, then what? Would I be able to live with myself knowing that he's four years younger? I'd feel…weird. Like I was doing somethng wrong. And am I wrong? Am I just desperate and not know it? I never thought I was…

So many questions with nebulous answers.

Clouds are beautiful, but they don't belong in my mind.