Do you ever wonder why some people suffer the way we do? Do you really sit and think about how much goes on inside the mind and body of someone who suffers? I have thought a lot about this lately as I have been being told a lot to “pull it together.” HA, sorry I can’t help but laugh that the simplicity of that statement. This is something we don’t choose, this is something that we all wish we could fight against and change on a daily, sometimes hourly basis of our lives.
A few weeks ago I was in a dark place, the nightmares of suicide crept in as if they were real. I vividness of each detail in each dream still haunts my mind and heart. I hate those dreams. I hate all the nightmares I experience from the PTSD, but those ones are the ones that I wish I could erase. They are the ones that changed everything for me. Admitting those dreams has given people around me the impression that I am suicidal, the impression that I am weak and can not beat this on my own. I wish I could straighten them out. I wish I could place them in my mind, body, heart and soul for one day just so they could see how much I fight.
Pulling it together would be nice. It would actually solve most of my problems. But how do you pull it together when there are thousands of pieces falling around you faster than you can catch them? I picture my anxiety and PTSD as if it were a 5000 piece puzzle and someone has thrown the box at me and is expecting me to catch every piece in order to put the puzzle together. I am not capable of even catching the pieces most days. I see they are falling and I want to catch them but my brain puts a wall in front of me.
If I could have one wish today, it would be that today is a better day than yesterday. I know that seems like a big request but if anything would give me hope to continue to fight this it would be for each day to be a little better than the last. Each moment of chaos a little shorter. Each tear a little smaller.
Today I am hoping for better. Today I am hoping for a small change.