This is a new place for me, a new outlet I suppose. I plan to use it to document the process of my intensive outpatient therapy, three hours a day, five days a week. I don’t know exactly what to expect. And if I’m being honest it feels excessive but at the same time I can admit to myself deep down I know I need it, Or that I need something at least. Something to actually address my mental illness problems that are very real but I’ve tried for years to deny their existence and overcome on my own. I’ve reached a point of pure saturation, in which I’m forced to admit they interfere so much with my daily life I can no longer go on like this. I need help. That feels so strange and foreign to say but I now know it’s true, that I can’t do this on my own. That’s difficult for me since I’m one of the most stubborn, strong-willed, and determined people you’ll meet. I think that’s one of the main reasons I’ve lasted this long on my own with limited professional help. I’m still young, my life in a sense has barely just begun, but I was so close to giving up and throwing it all away. Some days I still want to. But now I have to try, I have to want to get better, I have to put forth an effort. There’s a new person in my life and I care about him a lot. I don’t want to pull away and isolate myself when things get bad again. He’s a wonderful person and I don’t want to ruin our budding relationship as I’ve been so good at doing in the past. I have to assume that the truth and full extent of my mental illness will come out at some point but right now I want nothing more than him to be able to see me as a confident, competent, and able individual. Not as a broken person incapable of normal everyday function, someone riddled with self-hatred and low self-esteem, a moody roller coaster with ups and downs dangerously steep. I have to assume that at some point it’ll come out. I don’t want to seem as if I’m deceiving him in any way, but for the moment I very much enjoy being accepted and commemorated for being spectacularly awesome while being wonderfully normal. Only time will tell. I also must remind myself not to get too emotionally invested as things like this never seem to last and I mustn’t let it have any power over me, I must be in control. Best wishes to anyone who’s taken the time to read this. Make today one worth living

1 Comment
  1. elf 4 years ago

    Intensive Outpatient Therapy seems overwhelming, but it is very helpful. View it as your job; that’s what I have done when in IOP. You seem very self aware of your strengths and weaknesses. Keep working and do not give up. You and the new person in your life are worth it.

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