Fair note of warning. This is basically my life story, it’s a really long read, and it’s super descriptive. If you arent ready to read about cutting, or excessive wound picking, please dont read.

My form of self harm isnt necessarily cutting, per-say. It’s more like excessive nail biting and picking my nail beds and cuticles until they’re past bloody. My nails grow almost warped due to the damage I’ve caused my fingers. My skin is scarred in some places from me picking at open wounds and never letting them heal. I have used razer blades on my lower legs and the tops of my thighs, but those were during much darker periods of my life.

I can still remember the 1st time I ever started to inflict pain on my fingers: I had transferred schools in the 4th grade. I had left all my friends and moved to a completely new place. I have always had a hard time adjusting to change, so the new house and a new school was overwhelming. I was now the new kid at school, and no one wanted to be friends with the new kid.

Ive always been bullied at school, however 5th grade was the worst year I had ever been bullied. I didnt have anyone to back me up, and I would get constantly harrassed. Teachers would have to force kids to partner up with me, or I ended up having the t.a. as my partner. I tried to tell my family about it, but they thought i was over dramatizing the  situation. Around the end of 5th grade, i discovered my moms sewing kit. And that’s where i found my new favorite thing: the sewing needle.

I remember looking at my cuticles and thinking “hey, mom cuts her cuticles off, I want to try.” I used the needles to push back the skin, then I’d start picking and peeling my cuticles. It hurt, a lot. But at the same time, it gave me an adrenaline rush. And I noticed that whenever the kids at school would pick on me, I’d just squeeze my hands to make my fingers hurt and it would distract me from listening to them.

Years pass and I’m making my fingers bleed every single day. They were never really healed: just constantly raw, but I didn’t mind it because it was always there to distract me from the real world issues. All I had to do was squeeze my hand. My mom had taken me to the doctors to see what they could do to help, but frankly, I didnt wanna stop. It felt kinda good and would basically shock me back to reality if I peeled too deep into my fingers.

High school came around, and that’s when life got really out of control. My parents never seemed to like each other, but once I turned 15, my mom left my father. I was the youngest of 3 (2 boys and me) so I was having to transfer back and forth houses. I ended up being sucked into the middle of my parents divorce. That’s when the razer’s started coming out.

I probably used a razerblade about 10 times, if even that. But when I did, it was multiple times in one day, lasting a couple days. I’d chicken scratch my legs with a razer blade over and over again about 3 or 4 times a day. I wasnt really suicidal, I just wanted to feel the scratching. While they healed, I’d scratch my legs with a bottle cap to open them back up.

My friends that I made in high school didnt necessarily help. In fact, they all self harmed and almost wore their cuts like trophies. Instead of helping me, they were practically teaching me all the ways to self harm. So I self harmed for about 2.5-3 years, until my junior year when I  decided that I didn’t want to be like my friends. I didnt cut anymore for quite a few years to come.

Need-less to say, the nail biting and picking continued on for many years,and is still affecting me to this day. I did end up cutting again 2 times a couple of years ago, but that has been the last time I’ve cut; I have no desire to do it anyway. I’ve been working on quitting nail biting and picking for quite some time now, but I need help. I want to cope with things without needing to use pain because it isnt healthy (or even sanitary). I just need to know what I can do to distract me from the desire to hurt myself.

My life now is absolutely amazing. I have the best husband I can ask for, an amazing stepson, and I even love my husbands ex wife!!! We all live together (me, my husband clifton, cliffs ex wife Christy, Christy’s husband Dan,  as well as christy and cliffs son draven; a 16 year old non verbal autistic) and our entire connection is unreal! We all love each other and are constantly working on bettering themselves, so I want to do the same. I’m tired of having ugly painful fingers because I want to set a better example for my son and new family. For those of you who read all the way through, thank you for taking the time to read my story.💕