hi. i hope no one judges me horribley by what i'm about to write, which i know is hard because we all have our own opinions…. but i'm jus already all of the above and anyways…. i guess it doesn't matter…but honestly i'm going to share some things you know…. because the reailty of my life right now is that i'm kind of doing this whole thing on my own and it's really scary lately. i'm not going to begin explaining from the beginning cuz i don't feel like it man.. but yea sooo i live at my moms in the middle of no where, no meetings and im trying so hard to save money for a car….i have a bunch of cash in my "how it works and why" NA book…. cuz i owe a bunch of banks $ so i can't get a savings acccount =( which i thought of paying them off before i buy a car…idk i'm so lost and confused and not good at anything =( main point of the story right now why i'm desperately writing for some odd reason here, searching for answers that might possibly never be found……. is like…. man… i'm falling apart…….. really really really reallly bad this time….its happened so many times to me you know to fall apart, become a stranger to everyone and even myself. i have no ambition man… this job i work, i work like 11 hour days man and they got me opening by myself and closing and no one knows what hell they are doing and people are so rude and mean and i am so tired and so lonely and so lost. and i have no friends because i blow them off man because no 1 understands and i'm sick of hearing about people's lives because they are so normal and i'm so freakin depressed its not even funny anymore…. i could so continue…i know its sickk!!!!!!!!!!! but i just want everything to be okkkkkkkkkkk…. forrreallll!!!!! and for the past few weeks its been so hard for me to pray? i have always prayed. and wheni think of my HP something tells me not to its so weird like i feel weird man.. idk whats going on and guess what i have been obsessing over heroin like mad insane crazy omg ive been having dreams about it and it doesnt leave my mind =( forreal and i have this book of cash and i just keep catching myself thinking about dope and thinking about finding some and buying a lot and going somewhere where no one will find me and just doing it little by little until i die then i think about my funeral and its like over and over and over in my head and i try to call people and shxt but man i'm sick of it …sick of thinking about it ALL THE TIME this OCD even when i went to meetings daily it was there i want to die…. i hate society people are so different, i wish i was just a spirit you know…i want to go far away…. that's how i feell and it sucks and i'm sharing this because it not only makes me feel better, but maybe someone out there understands? and i wish they didn't , but i know there's absolutely no way i'm the only one…and i'm so freaked out by myself… i have no direction, i am so lost, don't know what road to take, i'm stuck here man, where do i go…blah blah…always the same thing, where do i belong dammnit??? i'm so sick of moving, i want to move, this isn't where i am supposed to be… i haven't even unpacked yet and i've been here for 2 months i think, i can't keep track. i just want help i think, idk i feel so weak though you know. i wish i was normal and shxt…. i wish i could at least cry dammit, take the pain away, clean my soul… this is deep i'm sorry but i wanted to tell something because i'm at the point where i've called so many people and everyone doesn't know what i should do anymore, it's like the people around here in NA forgot all about me man… im crying now by the way…i just want help or some heroin and i looked all night i worked 9-8 tonight and i hate it there i work so hard i'm so tired and i called people i used to get dope off of but everyones gone or clean or pregnant and i'm jus still ashley with no purpose still alone and shxt…wtf…. i got to go. peace