Tonight I am sitting around realy lost w/ in my own skin as I suck down my ciggert and struggle to stay safe and alive. I mean I was have a good day and all. Then it hit me and everything came crashing down, I crashed. I was sitting on break at work when the thought came how easy it would be to just walk away from work and the world and no one would even notice. It took my hole break to talk myself down and out of doing that and saddly I told myself that if i finshed out my day that I’d reward myself by allowing myself to S/I has much as I wanted. (I haven’t donse so yet and am trying not to resort to it). Unforcently I am really over welbmed and really thinking it will come to that. Becuse I am desprte right now I really need to remove these feeling and urges I’d even say wants. I am so not tried at all, I’m wide awake and got so much pent up hate and anger aginst myself right now and I dont know what for or about, but i feel about 2 inches tall right now. I wish I could crawl up into alittle and sleep it off but I cant. I just wish right now I could hear "It’s ok" and really beleave it. Even thoe the S/U urges are there and very strong ones. I still know that in my head I not only need to live but I desrive to live. So as long as I stay away from the things and places that are involed in the place that I formed and think about when I get my urges I’m not going anywhere. The S/I thoe I might end up cracking. I really dont know..

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