hi. i hope no one judges me horribley by what i'm about to write, which i know is hard because we all have our own opinions…. but i'm jus already all of the above and anyways…. i guess it doesn't matter…but honestly i'm going to share some things you know…. because the reailty of my life right now is that i'm kind of doing this whole thing on my own and it's really scary lately. i'm not going to begin explaining from the beginning cuz i don't feel like it man.. but yea sooo i live at my moms in the middle of no where, no meetings and im trying so hard to save money for a car….i have a bunch of cash in my "how it works and why" NA book…. cuz i owe a bunch of banks $ so i can't get a savings acccount =( which i thought of paying them off before i buy a car…idk i'm so lost and confused and not good at anything =( main point of the story right now why i'm desperately writing for some odd reason here, searching for answers that might possibly never be found……. is like…. man… i'm falling apart…….. really really really reallly bad this time….its happened so many times to me you know to fall apart, become a stranger to everyone and even myself. i have no ambition man… this job i work, i work like 11 hour days man and they got me opening by myself and closing and no one knows what hell they are doing and people are so rude and mean and i am so tired and so lonely and so lost. and i have no friends because i blow them off man because no 1 understands and i'm sick of hearing about people's lives because they are so normal and i'm so freakin depressed its not even funny anymore…. i could so continue…i know its sickk!!!!!!!!!!! but i just want everything to be okkkkkkkkkkk…. forrreallll!!!!! and for the past few weeks its been so hard for me to pray? i have always prayed. and wheni think of my HP something tells me not to its so weird like i feel weird man.. idk whats going on and guess what i have been obsessing over heroin like mad insane crazy omg ive been having dreams about it and it doesnt leave my mind =( forreal and i have this book of cash and i just keep catching myself thinking about dope and thinking about finding some and buying a lot and going somewhere where no one will find me and just doing it little by little until i die then i think about my funeral and its like over and over and over in my head and i try to call people and shxt but man i'm sick of it …sick of thinking about it ALL THE TIME this OCD even when i went to meetings daily it was there i want to die…. i hate society people are so different, i wish i was just a spirit you know…i want to go far away…. that's how i feell and it sucks and i'm sharing this because it not only makes me feel better, but maybe someone out there understands? and i wish they didn't , but i know there's absolutely no way i'm the only one…and i'm so freaked out by myself… i have no direction, i am so lost, don't know what road to take, i'm stuck here man, where do i go…blah blah…always the same thing, where do i belong dammnit??? i'm so sick of moving, i want to move, this isn't where i am supposed to be… i haven't even unpacked yet and i've been here for 2 months i think, i can't keep track. i just want help i think, idk i feel so weak though you know. i wish i was normal and shxt…. i wish i could at least cry dammit, take the pain away, clean my soul… this is deep i'm sorry but i wanted to tell something because i'm at the point where i've called so many people and everyone doesn't know what i should do anymore, it's like the people around here in NA forgot all about me man… im crying now by the way…i just want help or some heroin and i looked all night i worked 9-8 tonight and i hate it there i work so hard i'm so tired and i called people i used to get dope off of but everyones gone or clean or pregnant and i'm jus still ashley with no purpose still alone and shxt…wtf…. i got to go. peace

  1. Christel 14 years ago

    You are not alone.  I feel for you because I know exactly what you are going thru.  I can’t count how many dead end towns in the middle of nowhere that I ended up in after burning other bridges.  It is a lonely and desperate feeling and what I would hope that you realize is that it’s your disease talking to you telling you all of the lies that have been filling your head.  You are a Spiritual Being having a human experience, your disease wants you dead and it knows how to get to you.  I’m glad you have and are reading some N.A. literature, but there is another book I’d like to recommend to you.  It’s called "The Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyers.  I have just recently finished this book and it changed my life.  It taught me that I have power over my thoughts and that if I just let my thinking wander aimlessly, the enemy, or our disease gets free reign over them.  Think about what you are thinking about, are you filling your thoughts with healthy or distructive thoughts?  I know that doesn’t solve all of your problems, but if you can learn to become positive in a negative situation, isn’t that success? You use, you lose.  Right now you have a fighting chance, but once that stuff goes in, well, you know what happens.  I really encourage you to take a look at that book if at all possible, it can be ordered off of Amazon.com for like $7 if you know someone that will use their credit card for you.  Keep in touch and good luck, I will say a prayer for you this morning…

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  2. atreyuas 14 years ago

    get off the pity pot, honey.  you’re not doing yourself any favors whining about where you live.  i’ve done that shit for years, and it only makes the depression worse.  it’s easy to think that everything will be ok once you get someplace you feel at home, but no matter where you go, you’ll bring yourself along, so work on YOU and stop worrying about how "normal" the rest of the world is.  chances are, they have problems you can’t even begin to imagine, just like you have problems they can’t imagine.  but don’t pick up.  read your basic text, and try to find some sort of meetings, whether it’s NA or AA.  call the hotline, ask for a ride, get a sponsor, and remember the phone works both ways:-)

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