Been nearly a full year since I last decided to blog anything and much has changed to say the least. I begun working as one of my friends was able to hook me up with a job. I was worried whether I would be able to handle it and the answer on that one still seems to be debatable. Today in particular really questioned those grounds for me. As of late, my stomach lining has been weakened due to high acid levels. I've always taken my work too seriously and making things right has never ranked low on my priority list. I try so hard to make things right and it's so difficult to take the advice that I should really watch my health. Today in particular was a good reminder for me to take heed to that warning. I've been working tirelessly to fix an issue for a client over two days and it finally paid out; more so than it really needed to. Near the deadline, I began to vomit violently which consisted of blood and acid. I had hardly a bit to eat or water at all, which seems to be a growing problem for me. I can feel my chest throbbing; aching as the acid eats away at the lining in my stomach. The worst part is that I am aware of what's going on yet do nothing to prevent it. I'm so terribly foolish in it all. I gain nothing from doing this yet I'm so afraid of letting someone down. How pathetic I am… still a child that's so eager to please.
Silly child…. when will you grow up and take care of yourself while not at the cost of your life.
(Perhaps never)
I understand your feelings. My eagerness to always please really gets at me after a long period of time. Wish I could say something to help but all I can offer is understanding.
Sounds like your level and stress and anxiety is very great. Being a perfectionist is hard on you. Is there anyone you can talk to about your fears and anxiety? I take Xanax and went through years of talk therapy. I'm on disability for those conditions and bipolar but my doctor and I have recently begun to talk about me going back to work part time. Being home has been healing but I want to be productive and engaged again. I'm just scared.
Do try and take care of youself; people say exercise is a stress reliever and helps depression. Isn't there something the medical doctors can do about the excess acid?
Been currently taking two types of perscription medication prior to this incident for a month; one for migraines I've been getting and the other for the acid. Both have helped except when I've been really stressed. I'm always too eager to try to please someone. It maddening how I always do that, since I rarely ever put myself first, but I do it anyways. I suppose the fear of disappointment is greater than the necessity of my well-being. Either I will break through this or completely fall apart. Not sure, but thank you everyone.