Spent most of the active part of my day with hannah. We went shopping with Yin, who had to break off early to head home for a visit. Today was game day, first of the season, I didn’t go. I try to pretend……something. More and more it becomes clear that I have to make a break with my friends from the past. Friends that treated me badly, friends that don’t care about me any more.
I was talking alone with hannah about feeling alone, she see’s me as this "pretty", popular american girl just waiting to find the right people. I’ve never been good at that. The way she said it, it made it sound, and really it is, so much harder for her to connect with people. I want to make things all better for her, I think if she just spoke better english, got used to the way things are in america vs china, she would be great. It makes me cringe to see her struggle. I worry that I don’t give her enough support but then I worry that I am smothering her, making a friendship with no room to breathe where eventually it feels like a chore to live together.
I talked with my mom on the phone today. She said if she had known…my internal hopes that old friends would keep their promises and not be awful to me, if she had known how much I was counting on that whole thing working out…she would have said "DONT GO BACK". That’s the first time she’s said that. I don’t think I even knew how much I was internally counting on these people to at least be decent and not hurt me. I’m not a part of that group anymore. They broke me. I’m back, it sucks, I’ve seen them, they’re mean and fake. Hannah said "they say things all on the surface and don’t really mean it" and its true.. It’s so true, and I hate them for it, hate them for being happy, for being so judgemental, for standing on such airs to look down on me. They’re sick, they’re toxic…but dropping them makes me feel like the last 2 years of my life was kind of a lie.
Soo….I’m all alone at college junior year, coming back after taking med leave second semester soph year. Parents are far away, friends are non-existant, sadness feelings ramped up, feeling ashamed of my situation, that I have no friends, how much I used to love having friends. I used to love being part of a group, we all got dressed up and went out at night or we’d pack on sweats to get midnight snacks from the drugstore. That kind of stuff made me, and, I think older people will say, that it doesn’t matter who you’re friends with. Thats true but it does matter that you and your friends have things in common, like to do simillar things(by this I mean being social)…..I don’t know. I still have two days till classes start up, and I have to figure out what to do with myself, what to do with this situation.