I need to go read a book or something; my anxiety is way too high. I feel the panic creeping in ~ and as my Dad once said to me, "Panic will get you killed". Nice sentiment right? So anyhow, in order to not focus on it, I'm blogging. My Dad said that to me when I was a child and we were anchored on the reef offshore snorkeling. You see, I'm terrified of waves and a huge ocean liner passed us while we were there on the reef. At first it seemed like it was going to be okay, but suddenly the big waves showed up and I was clinging to my Dad's neck like a drowning person would. We were too far away from our boat to make it back before these monster waves reached us. I was in complete panic, my Dad had to sit meon his shoulders in hopes that I'd stay above the breakers. No such luck. I have holes in my eardrums and all of my life my doctors and parents have drilled it into me that I can't get my ears wet ~ not even in the shower, because I get massive ear infections from it. We got the hellbeaten out of us against the reef every time one of the 8-10 ft waves rolled over us. Long story short ~ I have not liked swimming in the ocean since. And it terrifies me when my husband and son go out in the waves at the beach (and those are small in comparison) because my son never learned how to swim.

It seems as if a lot of things scare me now. 🙁 Being alone is one of the big ones. I try really hard not to let the anxiety get ahold of me, but it doesn't always work.I'm REALLY scared of whenAaron starts working days because thenthere will be nobody here except me. Right now at least I know that if itgets bad enough I can go downstairs andhe'll calm me down. Thatwon't be the case very much longer. How Ifeel about this is so complicated.

I tried cleaning and doing chores today, but every time I went to start something I'd get distractedand started something else. I guess I need to make a list of things Iwant to get done to help me remember. I hate that myshort-term memory is so poor now that I'm on Abilify and Cogentin.

I did find a NAMI chapter fairly close to me so I think I'm going to start going to their support group on Monday nights. Maybe it will do me some good. I don't know, but I guess I'll never know if I don't try it. It's going to raise my amount of money I have to spendon gas, but it's only once per week.

Why is it that when I come home from somewhere (like our little trip to Orlando) I feel the weight start pressing down on my chest? I don't understand what it is about coming home that stresses me out so much, but it's palpable. I think maybe it's because the house is so messy, but there's definitely more to it than just that. I wish we could move out. I know that maybe I sound ungrateful, but I'm not ~ it's just time to get on with my life and live with just Aaron and Zachary.

I'm feeling a little better, but I think that's because Zachary is home.And I did get some thingsaccomplished today despite my inability to concentrate or focus on one thing.

I guess that's it fromme today. Tomorrow Iget totreat myself to a haircut,so I'm looking forward tothat. I really like myhairdresser, she's a neat person and we think alot alike. Her son hasautism toobut his is severe compared with withZachary's. He doesn'tspeak and he has a very hard time meeting strangers. She's asked if I wanted to hang out sometime with the kids.

Anyhow ~ have a great afternoon. (((HUGS)))


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