I'm just getting sicker and sicker. I have so much anxiety that I have no energy to do anything or go anywhere. I try to keep my mind busy by looking at silly things online such as celebrity gossip. Mindless drivel. I've even read into all kinds of conspiracy theories (I don't believe in any of them, just read about them to keep my mind busy) But I always get back to panicking. I stopped working out, haven't gone back since before Christmas. I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't even take baths and showers when I should, I have almost stopped caring for myself completely. I can't eat much… Mom and Dad have their own problems and with mine it all gets to be way too much.

I called my Dr. today. I have to make an apt with him. The last thing I wanted to do was change meds or try new meds, but I am so depressed and anxious it is killing me. All I can do is either sit around or lay in bed. This can't be right. There must be something I can go on that will help a little. I am even willing to try anti-anxiety meds again as much as I disliked them the first time. I need help.

I keep blaming my illness on losing my friends and of course K disappearing, this time for good. M ignored me when I invited her over for the weekend. Didn't even text or write back. Mom and Dad were supposed to go away but I told them I can't be alone, I'm afraid of what I might try to do. So they stayed home. And it really upset them and stressed them out. I feel like the most miserable failure being middle aged, living at home and needing my parents around so I don't hurt myself! It's pathetic.

I think back to a year ago when Mom and Dad went to Hawaii. I was doing pretty well. Really well by comparison! I did well for months, not perfect, but I made new friends, hosted a few get togethers and went on some dates. All without K (that was before he recontacted me). I was doing ok, I was doing fine, what happened???

I can't blame K for this, but my acute depression and severe anxietyset in right after the last time I saw him at the end of August. When fall came, I had that break down where I cut my hair, myself and basically dove into a deep depression. Since that night things were awful. I was fat and couldn't stop eating. Things got worse and worse over the holidays. Now I'm here. Unable to clean myself, let alone leave the house.

The one thing that's improved is my weight. I've lost some. I can't eat. Sometimes I'll enjoy a meal, but other times I have to force feed myself to survive. It's all anxiety. I feel glad that I'm not as fat anymore, but I realize that I'm not well. I wouldn't eat at all if I didn't have to, when before I was over eating.

Well that's all I can say for now. I just have to make that appointment with the Dr. I am really not looking forward to it.


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