This is all I managed to put together for January. It is most likely due to the fact day-to-day has consisted of: trying hard to numb myself and turn off my hyper active mind so I don't break anyone's heart, venting just enough during my psychology appointments to get me through til the next appointment. In October of 2013 I vented too much and ended up in the hospital but I chose to fall apart too soon after meeting her. I saw a video yesterday (one of those where a person holds up cards in lieu of speaking) where a guy about my age told of his battle with PTSD, depression and anxiety and how the stigma needs to change. "If you're crying…it only means you're happy you're not alone." I paused when that slide came up (not so much due to my blurry vision from the tears but to take in his message). He's in a different part of the world, his life story is different from mine and he copes differently than I do BUT the same darkness, the same enotional weights of an "invisible" illness and the struggle to find anything to keep fighting for just one more day is something we share. He gets it and he found the courage to go public for us who know firsthand and for those who still need to be educated. I like to write and it has been a way for me to cope in the past. One goal of mine is to tell my story to those who don't walk in our shoes. Maybe one day someone will find the right words or have to resources needed to make more people see our battle IS real.

This blog took on a life of its own. The fact I was able to put my thoughts into words is actually an accomplishment. I have struggled to convey my thoughts for a while and it's added to my pessamistic mood and attitude toward others. I know I shouldn't reward myself with food but it's the quickest way at the moment. I need to catch up on some reading. Maybe later tonight during group or after I can speak with someone privately and ask for…help or prayer. You may have no idea how difficult it has been for me to reach out to people I am not paying–psychologist or nurse practitioner–and do so face-to-face. **I may skip posting my other forgotten blog haha**
I love you all (you have NO idea how often the tribe has been a lifeline). I hope you find something to give you peace, if only for a moment, or strength to keep going.
(((((((((((((((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


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