Today is Sunny out.  Behind my mom's house I have a small hill side and the sun is peeking over the snow.  It is very beautiful.  Yet I have a sense of uneasiness.  ( I apologies ahead of time my spelling is horrid)

These last few months have been particularly hard for me. 

So let me start from the begining…….. I met my Ex when I was in high school.  We had mutual friends. I also was dating my high school sweet heart.  So we all just hung out as a group.  Some years passed and I graduated.  My boyfriend and I broke up shortly after graduation. Joe (my now almost ex husband) and I started Dating about 2 months later.  We had so much fun.  We camped, hiked, fished, went out in the evening. i really didn't have a care in the world.  I had issues with OCD then too but, I was not diagnosed and rarely was exposed to the trigger of it……. vomit.  By the time I was 19 Joe had proposed to me and i excitedly accepted. With my head full of dreams of a family and a full life we eagerly planned our wedding.  It was a small ceremony.  I was 20 years old.  We still lived with my parents at the time.  About 3 months after being married i had saved up enought money to get our first apartment with out room mates. Shortly after getting the apartment i became pregnant. Joe enrolled at Norhtern Michigan University to complete his physical therapist assistants degree.  We moved in to student housing.  It was paid for by the grants he had gotten for going to school. I was 21 and it was march of '02.  On november 12 of '03 Kaytlinn was born. MY Gem. My Angel. My life.  When Kaytlinn was 4 months old I went back to my job.  I worked fulltime as a behavioral therapist/ direct care worker. No I am not a licensed therapist it was just a title used because we use a behavioral modification program created by Boys town.  A few weeks into being back at work I got a phone call from my mother in law. She stated Kaytlinn was having a hard time breathing. Off to the hospital I ran with her. RSV……. Cough medicine and breast milk was the cure. She didn't have it really bad so all was well.  5 months came along.  She became ill again.  This time vomiting and explosive diarehia. The vomiting ended after about 2 days. The pooping continued for weeks. I was so exhausted. I was working 50+ hours a week we were short staffed at work.  Nights were horrid all Kaytlinn wanted to do was eat.  Understandable because everthing was going right through her. So I nursed all night long and worked all day.  Along with mild panic attacks that I was able to cover up. Kaytlinn got better and by march Joe had decided he didn't want to finish his degree anymore.  So we needed to move out of student housing in May. Things at work got really intense we had a few very violent kids. I ended up getting severly hurt. I was kicked multipule times in the knee.  It destroyed my patella tendon (the tendon that holds the knee cap in place).  this happend a week before our moving day.  Kaytlinn 6 months old crawling and walking, me not able to do much but sit. So the family had to move us. Back to my mom and dad's house.  I fought for over a year to get any compensation and to have the surgery I needed to correct my knee.  I only had gotten 2000 dollars for my missed time at work. Not nearly the amout I was owed. They did finally cover the opreation tho.  In July of '05 I once again was laid up for weeks. Dependant on others to care for my daughter and myself.  No longer working at the group home because, a company doesn't want you after you fight with them to cover something they don't want to be responsible for.  I took a job as a manager at a retail clothing store, A night club (as a bouncer), a sales clerk at bath and body works, cleaning homes, and helping with my grandparents. This paid just enough to live on with out food. (Long story short we were living in a duplex with Joe's sister "splitting" all the bills. Which ended in disaster. We were paying all the bills instead of splitting them).  at the mall I was working at one of the maintenance guys was getting fire I had an inside track on it. So I got Joe the job.  Fulltime with bennies.  We decided it was time to move so we went house shopping.  (I forgot to note that during our stay in the duplex I was diagnosed with OCD) So let me jump back to that point after Joe had gotten the job Kaytlinn as kids do got stomach flu.  I called Joe at work to let him know I need him to come home to take care of her. He had sick time and it was known that I had a thing with vomit and couldn't handle a vomiting child.  He refused….. I called him and told him I needed to go to the Dr and I had made an appointment and he needed to come home emediatly samething was very wrong with me mentally. I checked myself into the psyc unit. This was the begining of the end of my marrage.  After this major melt down I was panicing all day everyday. My Dr worked with medications trying to balance it out.  Joe just seemed annoyed with me. I felt unwanted and like a child he told people he felt like he was caring for 2 children. So unsupported and feeling alone I did what I did what I could.  We did find a home and were able to get a loan to purchase the home a very cute 2 bedroom 1 1/2 story 1 1/2 bath home perfect for the 3 of us.  we added 3 cats to thr brewd.  First winter in the house was ok Joe seemed to understand my OCD a little more.  The second winter i hit a wall.  I traveled to get away I made 3 trips 2 to minnisota and one to wisconsin to try and settle things down for me.  With out success i faultered. I had quit almost all of my jobsJOe was making enough to support us so I worked when I could and stayed home with kiddo on days she didn't have school. things were stagnent. I was obsessing all the time constantly having to take my anti anxiety meds so I felt like Joe was looking at me like a druggy. We got a good tax return that year and decided to take a trip to cali. to visit his cousin and her family who had just moved from here to there.  We drove.  Little did Joe and I know that kaytlinn would get car sickness in the elevation of the mountains. So I was stuck in a moving box with the worste thing in the world to me. After this vacation I totally shut down.  Trying to just find myself and a place where i could be OK In March I left Joe it lasted one night.  We talked and thought lets keep trying.  By july I was so lonely for support I left for good. Still alone  in many ways at this point I now have more friends.  But I miss the love of my life my daughter.  Joe started dating a girl 2 weeks after I left. But it was the we are just friends Game for a few months.  I saw a few people and then in Nov I started dating my boyfriend John. Nothing super serious at the point in time.  I am not sure where he stands but he does atleast understand the fact that I have OCD and it's not just straight lines and hand washing. I never here just give her a bucket put her in her room and go downstairs.  So I guess that is my snippit for the day…… Sorry it's not an upbeat one but I haven't ever put this out there.