A couple days ago I had a nasty stomach bug, and by this point I know how to make myself sick if I already feel it coming on – I prefer to be proactive, rather than just writhe around in misery for hours until nature takes its course; I hate uncontrolled pain – but I caught myself thinking, ‘Maybe you’ll develop an eating disorder – maybe you could do this when you’re not sick’ and sure enough I was even checking the scales after I felt better and admiring (!) the fact that I’d lost 2 lbs in a day. [br][br]I really don’t think I’ll ever have a genuine case of anorexia or bulimia…but what scares me is the knowledge that perhaps the only thing preventing me from falling down that route is my equally strong obsessive terror of death, combined with an inability to follow through with anything at all in life. Or maybe it’s more than that, maybe it’s inner strength blah blah, I mean who’s to say? And that uncertainty is scary. To be honest, I’m not even bothered about my weight; I think the only reason I have had thoughts like this at all is because a formerly close friend of mine became dangerously anorexic and I haven’t been able to shake the thoughts about it ever since. [br][br]The other issue is alcohol: I’ve read many times that alcohol really helps calm down tics for people with Tourette’s, but that after a while you get used to it and you end up increasing the amount you drink and it’s quite common to find Tourettic alcoholics as a result. So many months ago I tried the recommended blend of boiled water, honey, lemon and a dash of whisky to cure a very sore throat. I didn’t actually think it worked at all, but I DID notice my tics faded significantly, and I was left in this very mellow state, the most relaxed I’d felt possibly in my whole life, and I just drifted off to sleep beautifully…. [br][br]Temptation again – I told my mom about this and she asked if there was any way I could just occasionally drink that, but no more than what was in that mug (I used a straw like an eye-dropper and filled it about an inch high with whisky, so it really wasn’t much). But no. I mean, I know me – or maybe it’s that I don’t know me, because I’ve never been drunk before, I have an obsessive fear that if I drink even the slightest bit, I’ll become addicted. Irrational? Maybe, but look what site I’m on. So anyway – of course I can’t keep it at that small level. I’m sure that’s everyone’s famous last words, yes? So the answer is no, I will not be doing this, I haven’t touched a drop since, and I’m even more paranoid about alcoholism than ever. [br][br]So where does this leave me? With the urge to let myself become an alcoholic, of course. Not to mention tempted to knock myself out with Syndol (very strong tension headache medicine I used occasionally when my eye tics are unbearably painful) every other night and live life in a persistent sleepwalking state. I mean…no, that’s not what I want at all, but occasionally it’s better than what alertness has to offer me, and that’s when the thoughts strike, and then they never seem to leave (though they do go in waves of strength).[br][br]I just never know when the next thought/worry/obsession/fear, etc. is going to strike, where it will come from, what will inspire it. I can’t believe now I feel so plagued by urges toward eating disorders and substance abuse. I think, perhaps, it’s because I was raised to object to these things so vehemently, now I feel like…what if that’s all me? And truthfully I know, if I were weaker, I might go down those roads, because I don’t think it’s purely OCD making me think these things; I think it really is because part of me feels so drawn to them, either for ‘medicinal’ or control factors. Admittedly, the urge toward bulimia was the cliché sense of, ‘I’m in charge,’ and being naturally sick horrified me compared to when I did it myself, which gave me a sense of power and cleverness, like, ‘Yeah, nothing can get me down.’ I suppose, really, it’s not much different from my lifelong urge to kill myself – which, again, somehow I know I’ll never actually do, and yet the feeling remains. [br][br]Isn’t it strange how you can read magazines and think, ‘How can someone be that way? That’s crazy,’ and then one day you catch yourself being the same way, and not really finding it that crazy or unusual at all….
thymeoperator, , OCD, Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Domestic Abuse, Eating Disorder, Grief, OCD, Schizophrenia, Sleep Disorders, 0