The internet.  It is a saving grace, a menace, an outlet, what is it for you?

For me it is an addiction.  It has been all these other things for me yes, but lately I fight it.  No more I say, then… okay, just 5 more minutes, and it goes on from there.  Some of you know what I am talking about.  Others think, wow, get a life.

Because I have feared reality, I believe this (web-Patty) is my life at times.  Oh, but I am sooo close to change. 

The name BeOptimistic was created at a time when I was not, hence to remind me what I needed to be.  This is now a turning point in my life, survival of a mid-life crisis? The end of a breakdown? Recovering from my latest depression?  It is all of these I believe.  And I want to believe it is THE end of all of these.

I am Catholic and this is Lent.  Though I cant go cold turkey, I am down to 2 hours a day.  My religion saved me, yes, along with counseling, meds, and a very supportive family.  But God was behind it all.  He wouldn't let me give up when giving up was all I wanted to do, when it was all I had left in me.  I sat in that garage, my head on the steering wheel, thinking how easy it would be to just close my eyes and stay there.  The faces of my daughter, grandchildren, and family quickly surrounded me.  He saved me once again.  I was looking for something more, acceptance, friendship, stretching to extremes to gain it.  I made plans to meet with a man and canceled them within an hour.  God saved me once again. 

I have learned that God made me, faults in all, for a purpose.  Each one of my personality traits was intentional, whether I accept it or not, it it what He wants for me.  I still struggle with this, but not as much.

Again, I see I have lost more friends here.  At one time, I would have cried, feeling rejected, and beat myself up, telling myself all sort of negative things and encouraging the depression to take over.  But not today.  I climb up and move on, I wish everyone peace, friend and foe, and pray that you find what you are looking for.