JUST BEFORE I WENT INTO FULL BLOWN ADDICTION….I HAD LOST IN LOVE. THIS IS SOMETHING I WROTE THEN, IT WAS THE LAST THING I WROTE BEFORE I WENT OUT. IT TOOK 4 YEARS TO GET IN RECOVERY AFTER THAT. THNGS ARE SO MUCH BETTER NOW…THE PAIN IS STILL THERE ALITTLE BUT IM CLEAN…..MAYBE YOU ALL CAN RELATE……….

NO HOPE

The madness has overtaken me now…..

For no longer will I love or have anything to do with it.

No longer will I say "I love You," those words do not exist to me,

No longer do I exist but for this pathetic vessel; containing raw emotion.

Is Love an emotion? Or does it just cause emotion?

I remember well the euphoria of first love,

Of walking in a world of wondrous beauty,

Of feeling a love so consuming…so pure,

Void of deception, full of bliss, anxiously waiting that virginal kiss.

Now I walk the dark side…

And feel the devastation of that lost lover.

The world is in chaos now and the universe has tilted.

Not one thing seems right…..everything amiss.

The only emotion I feel is the hurt of it all.

Who needs such a thing that can destroy the soul?

That lacerates the heart with such abandon.

I walked the valley in love and feared no evil….

Now I fear all and love is not in me.

Hurt consumes all i have or had.

I sit and write these words hoping to understand myself;

Praying to an unseen God…that someone does,

And bring color to my world…. with undying love.

Yet I know that no one else can feel it all,

Not the depth of MY pain, they don't know me!

How dare they console me, with lip service, that "they"

understand.

"They" are not me and surely know nothing of this gut wrenching pain.

They try, they assume that they have been to this colorless world.

No one can feel an others private hell,

My anguish is hidden deep within….and blinding anger, of being so damn helpless.

No one really cares…Why should they?

Listen? Sure they can do that.

Talk of the past, only causes me to relive it,

And is a thorn in my side that festers and boils….

Better left alone…. and dug at another time.

To be bothered by another’s feelings and what they are going through, is irrelevant at best.

We each have our own pain.

I had entered the lair of a lioness thus got eaten alive.

'Tis my own fault, I'm a grown man!

I don't feel like much of a man now,

MY God! I feel so weak.

It has all felt like such a game…. until now.

The realization that she could actually love another,

Has caused my total destruction,

I thought she'd love me forever, no matter what.

I was wrong.

If love exists in my soul at all it, is for her.

Through my actions it may have seemed less….

I haven't stopped. Yet, I do anything to change the way I feel

And hide behind this mask.

I feel I am dying a slow death,

Each twist of the knife sends pain rippling deeper into my mangled heart.

Nothing eases this torture,

No matter where I go there I am.

And the knife twists on.

I actually asked her if she loved him.

Her answer, that one simple word,

Has given me no hope to move on to another,

For that is her answer….not mine.

Sad are those two words…NO HOPE,

Actual nonexistence of any possibility that things can change.

What do I do now?

What……?

Mark R

 

POINT IS FROM ALL THIS …THE PAIN WAS MASKED BY THE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL FOR AWHILE…THEN TURNED INTO A PITY PARTY THAT GOT WORSE AS TIME WENT ON. TODAY I DONT HAVE TO USE OVER ANYTHING…NOT VEN THIS.

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